


Goro Akechi Personally Murdered my dog, keyed my car and pissed on my wife.

by Hator



Category: Persona 5
Genre: As if there weren't enough of these, But hey that at least means it'll be a quick read., Gen, Group Chat Fic, I love it when I have three different tags for the protaganist, It's cathartic, idk yet, ships might happen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-03-09 19:47:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18923845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hator/pseuds/Hator
Summary: The Phantom Thieves were forced to add Akechi to their groupchat.(Thank god they can just make another one without him)





	1. Goro Akechi is a Punk Ass Bitch

**GORO AKECHI IS A PUNK ASS BITCH**

 

 **Today** 12:15 PM

Ryuji: every single time akechi sends a message in our phantom thieves group chat 10 years get taken off my lifespan

 

Akira: Brb, I’m going to run the numbers on that.

 

Haru: Don’t you mean our “Thantom Phieves” group chat? Hehehehe

 

Ann: AAAAA I still can’t believe we actually kept that as our name when we added him.

 

Futaba: I mean it used to be worse.

 

Futaba: My fave was Okumura’s palace

 

Ryuji: ah yes, back when it was “let’s MCFREAKIN’ lose it”

 

Futaba: GET OUTTA YOUR MINDS.

 

Futaba: Honorary mention to the gc's name during my own palace...."The sequel to Yu-gi-oh nobody was expecting"

 

Futaba: p r i c e l e s s

 

Haru: I still don’t get that

 

Ann: Yugioh was this anime card game thing in the 90's that got super popular 

 

Haru: No, of course, I know what Yu-gi-oh is Ann. I'm a cultured woman. 

 

Haru: I meant my father's palace, Big Bang Burger's nothing like mcdonalds.

 

Ryuji: hmmmmmmmmmm m m m m 

 

Ann: I mean big bang burger’s like…..low key mcdonalds by now.

 

Haru: how dare you….

 

Haru: We have much better theming

 

Ryuji: space SPACE space space space

 

Haru: Yeah, basically. Space and horse meat.

 

Ryuji: space horse.

 

Ann: Speaking of things that aren’t real.

 

Ann: Back to Akechi.

 

Futaba: psh, mood.

 

Ann: It’s like. We KNOW you’re a fake goro. Just expose yourself already and save us all the time and trouble.

 

Haru: You know, sometimes, I kind of wish he was actually a genuine new member. I wanna throw another party.

 

Ryuji: What, are we renting out six flags this time?

 

Haru: Ryuji.

 

Haru: Six flags?

 

Haru: I thought you were a man of taste.

 

Haru: In this household we love, stan and support destinyland.

 

Ryuji: o fuck u right.

 

Ann: Does six flags even have a mascot?

 

Ryuji: Idk I’ve never been.

 

Haru: You’ve never been to six flags?

 

Ann: It’s like…. Disney world if you sucked out all the creativity. But they sell deep fried twinkies so boo yah baby.

 

Haru: Huh, that’s a very apt description of it, yeah.

 

Haru: Just out of curiosity Ann, how many times has six flags disappointed you personally?

 

Ann: It’s like …..I’ve been to so many of them all across the world and they all make me wish I just stayed home and stared at the ceiling.

 

Akira: hey Ryuji according to your own joke, you’d be -30. You’ve got -30 years to live.

 

Ann: I want y’all to know I looked behind me to glare at him appropriately for making such a stupid joke but then I looked at his desk and I noticed that he dead ass pulled out his calculator to do the math on this.

 

Ann: He didn’t even do it on his phone. He pulled out an actual scientific calculator and just.

 

Ann: Added it all up.

 

Akira: jeez Ann how else was I supposed to do it? It was very complicated math

 

Ann: I’m quitting the thantom phieves bye.

 

Ryuji: I’m so tired.

 

Ryuji: Look what you’re doing to me Akira.

 

Ryuji: You’re killing me. You’re killing your best friend.

 

Akira: No, that bastard Akechi’s the one who’s killing you by sending so many text messages. 

 

Akira: I could never hurt u, ur my bro bro

 

Ryuji: Bro :,D

 

Futaba: You know sometimes I wish Akechi could see our group chat history. Could you imagine his reaction if he could see all the shit we had in there before we added him?

 

Ryuji: Oh yeah like all of Akira’s god awful old man memes

 

Akira: I still send those here.

 

Futaba: I meant more along the lines of u and akira’s homoerotic tendencies but yeah those react pics were pretty bad too.

 

Akira:

 

Futaba: I Take IT ALL BACK THEY’RE PIECES OF ART.

 

Ryuji: please die????

 

Akira: Yeah I got u.

 

Akira: Lemme just tell Akechi where I’m at rn, maybe he’s willing to off me early.

 

Ryuji: mmmmmmmmm

 

Akira: Too far again?

 

Futaba: yea

 

Akira:

 

Ryuji: And just like that I’m back to hating you, I’ll call him myself.

 

Akira: Finally, death’s sweet embrace.

 

Futaba: I think Sojiro'd be capable of sending more relevant memes.

 

Futaba: No but fr, I’m so fucking nervous about this.

 

Akira: Futaba watch ur fucking mouth what would bean father say about this.

 

Futaba: #letmesayfuck

 

Akira: NO, I SHAN’T ALLOW IT

 

Futaba: No but stfu for five seconds.

 

Futaba: I mean it, what if something happens to u

 

Akira: Oh please, as if Akechi could kill me. He’s a punk ass bitch.

 

Ryuji: YOU BET YOUR ASS HE IS.

 

Futaba: Actually. Is he really a PUNK ass bitch?

 

Akira:

 

 

Futaba: A punk is a rebel, someone who doesn’t follow the rules. And you know, Akechi’s basically Shido’s little bitch baby so like. No way he’s a punk.

 

Ryuji: Omg ur right tho.

 

Ryuji: He’s a bitch ass bitch.

 

Akira: bitch^2

 

Makoto: Hey, l love you guys but literally shut the fuck up.

 

Futaba: gasp

 

Makoto: We’re in the middle of class and if I get called out for my phone’s incessant buzzing I’m dragging you each to your own individual layer of hell.

 

Futaba: Oh right lmfao you guys do that.

 

Futaba: School.

 

Futaba: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzpD6OogahQ>

 

Ryuji: akira?????? wow I can’t believe akira has his own puppet show.  

 

Makoto: RYUJI.

 

Ryuji: I’M SORRY MOM.

 

* * *

 

 

**Goro Akechi**

 

 **Today** 1:00 PM

Akira: Yo Akechi

 

 **Today** 2:02 PM

Akira: Oh shit do you actually pay attention in class? Nice

 

  **Today** 3:30 PM

Akechi: Hello Akira! Yes, unfortunately, I do keep my phone put away while I’m in class but I was just dismissed. Can I help you?

 

Akira: oh god, consistent proper grammar.

 

Akira: U text like Makoto but worse.

 

Akechi: Oh well…I’m sorry?

 

Akira: Nah, it’s cool.

 

Akira: Anyway, I wanna hang out, are you free?

 

Akechi: Well, I did have to set some time set aside for my studies before I head to the police station tonight…Maybe another time?

 

Akira: Nah, it’s cool I’ll study with you.

 

Akechi: Akira, it seems you have forgotten I’m a year above you….I’m flattered you want to hang out though! But I think another time would be best.

 

Akira: Do you like ihop

 

Akira: we could study at ihop

 

Akira: I have a coupon

 

Akechi: ….

 

Akechi: What kind of coupon?

 

Akira: 20% off the entire meal.

 

Akechi: I’ll meet you at Leblanc and we’ll catch the subway from there.

 

Akira:

 

 


	2. Goro Akechi is a Bitch Ass Bitch

**GORO AKECHI IS A BITCH ASS BITCH**

 

 **Tuesday** 3:12 PM

Akira: Just letting y’all know Akechi unironically orders ihop’s cupcake pancakes.

 

Ryuji: h e l l o ?

 

Akira: (placeholder for a akira's sneak picture of Goro pulling out his books to study at ihop. There is a three stack of ihop's cupcake pancakes in front of him. I HAVEN'T DRAWN IT YET I'M SORRY)

 

Haru: Did you forget the fact that he’s a murderer or do you just not care?

 

Akira: Relax, he’s not my friend. I just wanna know … why he is what he is

 

Ann: crazy people juice. idk

 

Futaba: Akira ur chaotic neutral is showing

 

Akira: OH, do you guys wanna hear what he did?

 

Ryuji: o no

 

Akira: I was buying-

 

Ryuji: Your first mistake

 

Akira: -and he purposefully ordered more food than he could eat so he could take some home.

 

Haru: O m I g o s h

 

Ryuji: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Ann: AKIRA UR LITERALLY LYING I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT.

 

Futaba: wow he really is an evil murderer

 

Akira: Social convention forced me to pay for his lunch. And his dinner.

 

Ryuji: Wow, did you wipe his ass for him too?

 

Akira: Idk ryuji, I thought that was ur job

 

Ryuji: Okay but about his ass

 

Makoto: This is never a good Segway.

 

Ann: Hey Mom!

 

Haru: a rare mako-chan

 

Ryuji: Okay but listen, the pancakes weren’t the only flat things at that ihop if you catch my drift

 

Ryuji: The real reason akechi will never be a phantom thief is his flat ass.

 

Ryuji: We have a reputation to uphold

 

Ann: “oracle, I’m trying to sneak around but I’m dummy thick and the clap from my ass cheeks keeps alerting the shadows” – all the pts

 

Makoto: do you make it….a habit to stare at everyone’s ass?

 

Ryuji: not a habit

 

Ryuji: But I do have a tier list.

 

Ryuji: proud to announce I have the best male ass.

 

Akira:

Futaba: is that? A relevant meme from this century?

 

Ryuji: Yusuke had the flattest ass until Bitchkechi came into the picture

 

Ann: Will Yusuke ever text in this chat? The world will never know

 

Ryuji: He texts sometimes!

 

Ann: Yeah, existential questions at 3 in the morning

 

Akira: aka the best time to text existential questions.

 

Makoto: Honestly if it wasn’t for the fact that we know he can’t afford it.

 

Makoto: I’d think yusuke’s on weed.

 

Ryuji: YUSUKE ARE U SMOKING THE MARY JANE

 

Ryuji: THE DEVIL’S LETTUCE?

 

Makoto: Like I said

 

Makoto: With what money could he possibly be smoking weed with?

 

Futaba: Yusuke doesn’t need weed, he’s high on life.

 

Makoto: I’m just on a consistent red bull buzz.

 

Makoto: It’s legal and it’s killing me faster than weed ever will.

 

Haru: oooo has it not been a good day mako-chan?

 

Makoto: I caught this guy trying to vape in the hallway and he was holding the juul backward like a fucking idiot.

 

Makoto: I couldn’t even report him because TECHNICALLY he wasn’t even doing anything wrong YET. So I just looked at him until he walked away.

 

Futaba: VAPE CULTURE HAS GONE TOO FAR.

 

Haru: w o w yikes

 

Ryuji: Hey akira u remember that one time I brought a realistic fake gun to school and kept it in my pants for an entire day?

 

Makoto: what.

 

Makoto: you did WHAT.

 

Akira: oh yeah and ann remember that one time you stripped in the third-floor hallway?

 

Makoto: .......

 

Makoto: I’m resigning from everything, get akechi to be your analyst and I guess ryuji can be class president, fuck it, I don’t care.

 

Ryuji: wow what an honor madame president.

 

Ann: y’all suck.

 

Akira: Okay but actually if anything ever happened to you Makoto.

 

Akira: And if Akechi wasn’t such a god damn fake.

 

Arika: He’d have been a pretty good analyst.

 

Ryuji: plz stop writing "analyst" it looks too much like anal and I'm scared

 

Makoto: Akira, do you know what brass knuckles taste like?

 

Akira: no, FR. He’s pretty smart.

 

Makoto: I mean I’d hope he is. Considering he works as a detective and all.

 

Akira: Yeah, I was studying with him and it was almost as good as studying with you

 

Ann: “almost” flattery gets you nowhere boi

 

Makoto: Actually, yes it does, but continue.

 

Akira: It’s weird. He’s an okayish dude if you overlook the whole “blehhhh I’m an evil murderer” thing

 

Makoto: Trying to overlook that is like trying to overlook Mt. Fuji.

 

Akira: Idk I guess it’s cause I hang out with all sorts of weird people.

 

Akira: Oh, that reminds me, I have a meeting with the yakuza rn, bye y’all.

 

Makoto: ......What’re the chances that he’s joking?

 

Ryuji: Slim to none.

 

Makoto: …..I’m studying in the library if anyone wants to meet up.

 

Ann: Oh, I was going to go study anyway!

 

Haru: I’ll go! Can we get crepes afterward?

 

Ann: Okay but only if you buy me a crepe for lunch AND dinner.

 

Haru: alright bitchkechi

 

Ann: HARU WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT WORD.

 

Ann: MOM WHO’S TEACHING HARU THESE WORDS.

 

Haru: penis

 

Ann: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

 **Today** 3:23 AM

Yusuke: If you came into a ghost what would happen to your jizz?

 

Yusuke: Would you be siring a ghost baby or would the cum ascend to heaven?

 

Yusuke: Assuming there is a heaven that is.

 

 **Today** 5:21 AM

Ryuji: I hate you.

 

Ryuji: But also.

 

Ryuji: I’m team ghost baby.

 

 **Today** 6:15 AM

Akira: you stupid dumb idiot, it’d totally ascend to heaven.

 

Ann: Things I did not need to wake up to today: Knowing that Yusuke knows the word "jizz"

 

Makoto: I-

_Makoto Nijima has left the chat_

_Akira Kurusu has added Makoto Nijima into the chat_

 

Akira: u fool. Welcome to hell ur stuck here FOREVER

 

* * *

 

 

 **Today** 3:30 PM

Akechi: Hello Akira! I just got out of class! I’ve got exams soon so I’ve got to spend most of my free time studying….But I actually had a lot of fun with you the other day and I was wondering if you’d like to study together?

 

Akira: k

 

Akira: You’re footing the bill this time tho

 

Akechi: That’s fine by me! Do you want to go anywhere in particular?

 

Akira: oh my god idk I wasn’t prepared for this kind of freedom

 

Akira: um

 

Akira: walmart

 

Akechi: …..Walmart?

 

Akira: Idk I panicked

 

Akira: omg wait no I got it

 

Akechi: Oh?

 

Akira: Take me to chilis

 

Akira: welcome to chilis baby

 

Akechi: Oh alright. I can drive us there if you want? 

 

Akira: You have a car?

 

Akechi: Yes, I do!

 

Akira: oh okay

 

Akira: lit

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for positive response y'all!
> 
> I'm excited to keep working on this so keep lmk what u think


	3. I've come to make an announcement: Goro Akechi’s a bitch-ass motherfucker. He pissed on my fucking wife-

**I've come to make an announcement: Goro Akechi’s a bitch-ass motherfucker. He pissed on my fucking wife-**

 

 **Today**  3:30 PM

Akira: nghhhhh guys Akechi has a car

 

Makoto: ……And?

 

Akira: The teenage rebel in me wants to be his actual friend so I can mooch rides off of him whenever I want and we can hang out and do fun car stuff

 

Ann: ah yes….fun car stuff….like changing his oil and uh….

 

Ann: Idk

 

Ann: what else do you do with cars

 

Akira: no u SHITDIP I mean like…..driving on highways with the windows down so the wind blows our hair into our faces and …blasting old town road with the windows down in heavy traffic…….

 

Ryuji: okay but same.

 

Haru: You can mooch rides off me any time you like Akira! And I’m not even a murderer!

 

Ryuji: but you’re the 1% haru…. that’s even worse

 

Futaba: commies only interact

 

Futaba: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1Sq1Nr58hM>

 

Akira: Haru I don’t want to show up to my part-time job in a limo, I feel like that prbly gives off the wrong impression.

 

Haru: You know, that’s fair.

 

Ann: FUTABA WHAT EVEN

 

Futaba: eheheHEHEHE

 

Akira: OH, and btdubs he showed up wearing a star wars shirt yesterday? What a fuckin’ loser omg

 

Ann: Y’all hung out again yesterday?

 

Akira: (ANOTHER PLACEHOLDER, I'm SORRY I'll draw these eventually. This time it's Akechi in a chili's booth with chips and salsa in front of him. He's already got his books out so he's actually posing this time. He's got a slightly dorky, slightly uncomfortable thumbs up. He's wearing a shirt that says "pew pew" on it in the star wars font. you know. THAT font.)

 

Akira: In my defense, HE invited ME.

 

Akira: And he paid so

 

Akira: boo yea baby

 

Ann: Hey that’s my line D:<

 

Akira: Trademark it next time

 

Ann: boo yeah baby™

 

Ann: There, it’s trademarked.

 

Ann: You can never say it again.

 

Akira: boo yeah baby

 

Ann: SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE.

 

Ryuji: THE COPYRIGHT POLICE?????????

 

Futaba: STOP THIS IS THE COPYRIGHT POLICE, YOU HAVE THE (copy)RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT

 

Akira: Foolish officer…..I was working undercover FOR THE PUN POLICE THIS ENTIRE TIME. YOU’RE PUNDER ARREST.

 

Futaba: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE.

 

Haru: Oh but sir….You used a pun yourself……..

 

Akira: oh god…….you’re right….what am I……????? a corrupt traitorous bastard ????????? I’ve fallen so far……..

 

Makoto: Wow.

 

Makoto: A corrupt traitorous bastard?

 

Makoto: I didn’t know we added Akechi to this group chat.

 

Ryuji: WOW MOM MURDER HIM

 

Ann: Okay like honestly what if we just sold Akechi to the circus.

 

Futaba: The circus only wants fun people

 

Ryuji: Let’s sell them Yusuke.

 

Akira: whoa guys look at this picture I found of Akechi

 

Akira:

 

Ann: Okay but did y’all HEAR HIM at mementos yesterday?

 

Ryuji: omGGGGGGGGG don’t get me STARTED.

 

Akira: Um excuse u ann. sp?

 

Ann: Oh I'm sorry autocorrect

 

Ann: *MEMEntos

 

Ann: But anyway he was all like

 

Ann: “My skills EXCEED YOURS” bro literally like please shut up???? my social skills exceed urs bby and that’s all that matters.

 

Akira: U know he thinks he’s got us all fooled. He refers to you guy as his friends too.

 

Haru: Wow if it was anyone else I’d think that’s so sad.

 

Makoto: -But because it’s him who gives a single fuck.

 

Haru: wow mako-chan is really out here reading my mind.

 

Akira: Tbh again, it sucks that he’s evil bc I’d totally ACTUALLY be his friend if he wasn’t. Rn, I’m just kind of using him to help me with my history work.

 

Akira: The kid’s stupid good at history

 

Akira: Oh damn Haru u reminded me I gotta go meet up with my fortune teller friend.

 

Makoto: You have a-

 

Makoto: You know what, forget it.

 

Ryuji: I need Akira to throw a giant party and invite everyone he considers his friend tbh. Like. Who are they and where do they keep coming from.

 

Ann: I mean he makes time to hang out with Akechi of all people.

 

Futaba: you know.

 

Futaba: he’s a bitch ass bitch but sometimes I feel low key sorry for him

 

Ryuji: yeah, I feel sorry for Akira’s bitch ass too

 

Futaba: No I mean THE SUPREME bitch ass bitch

 

Futaba: Akira and I were at the coffee shop this one time and when he showed up he just like. Spilled all his guts about being an unwanted foster kid.

 

Futaba: idk it just seems real sad. Like maybe he feels like he’s GOTTA work for shido or else he’ll cut him off or something. I don't think he has anyone to talk to about it either. I mean like who COULD he talk to about it u know? 

 

Ann: I’d rather live in a foster home than murder my “friend” in cold blood lmfao.

 

Futaba: yeah ur right. It’s just sadly sucky from all angles.

 

Futaba: 360 degrees of suck

 

Futaba: Suck infecting every inch of the nation

 

Futaba: MESSING WITH CREATION-

 

Ann: Don’t worry about it babe, we still have like no idea what the fuck we’re doing about him anyway so like. We’ll figure it out.

 

Futaba: mmmmmkay

 

Ryuji: Ann, why’d u interrupt Futaba’s sick ass flow

 

Ryuji: That was going somewhere

 

Futaba: don’t worry Ryuji u’ll hear it on my mixtape

 

Futaba: It’s gonna drop any day now

 

Futaba: Anyway, are we hitting up MEMEntos today? I’m so productive on those car rides.

 

Ann: oh WORM

 

Futaba: A K I R A

 

Ann: akira akira akira akira akira akira akira akira akira

 

Akira: Guys WHAAAT

 

Akira: I’m in the middle of having my fortune read. :(

 

Futaba: oh is it looking good?

 

Akira: When does it EVER look good?

 

Ann: mood

 

Akira: anyway this should be quick so yeah we’ll go to meme. I’ll send a text in the other chat when I'm done.

 

* * *

 

 

**Thantom Phieves**

 

 **Today** 4:19 PM 

Akira: WHAT TIME IS IT?

 

Ann: SUMMERTIME

 

Futaba: ONE MINUTE TILL WEED TIME

 

HARU: S U M M E R T I M E!!!!!

 

Ryuji: WILDCATS

 

Makoto: …..It’s 4:19 …….

 

Akira: ALL OF Y’ALL ARE WRONG it’s MEMEntos time bbys

 

Futaba: ryuji......WILDCATS?

 

Ryuji: IDK I PANICKED.

 

Akira: keep ur hands, feet, and tails inside the furry bus and buckle up because it’s my turn to drive today and my previous driving experience includes…. 3 silver cups in Mario kart wii ehEHEHEHE

 

Akechi: I’m glad we’re going to mementos today! However, might I make the suggestion that I drive? I only just got my license but I’d be glad to offer my skills to the team anyway!

 

Futaba: 420 BLAZE IT

 

* * *

 

 

Ann: No way in SHIT is Akechi driving.

 

Makoto: Okay I know this is unexpected of me but....I don’t see why not. It’s a better alternative to Akira’s driving

 

Ann: HE’S CRAZY. WHAT IF HE DRIVES INTO A WALL AND KILLS US ALL.

 

Makoto: Akira already drives us into walls.

 

Akira: I was in his car yesterday and I can tell u personally from experience that he’s way too much of a grandpa for that

 

Akira: he stopped at a four-way stop sign even when there was nobody there

 

Akira: AND HE ACTUALLY FOLLOWED THE SPEED LIMIT

 

Akira: Someone gave him the finger for being TOO SLOW I’ve never even seen that happen before.

 

Ryuji: Where the hell in Japan was there a four way stop with no people at it???

 

Futaba: No traffic???? In MY tokyo?????? More likely than u would think.

 

Ryuji: Except literally NO? IT’S NOT LIKELY AT ALL?

 

Akira: Eh just let him drive. Morgana has an emergency brake system he can implement if something goes sour.

 

Ann: Morgana has an emergency brake system???

 

Ann: Then what the hell was he doing back when you were driving us into walls?

 

Akira: he was trusTING ME ANN. MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME.

 

Makoto: Guys nobody’s replied yet

 

Ryuji: Eh no way in hell is he ACTUALLY going to call us out on it who does that?

 

* * *

 

Akechi: …Or Joker can drive if you’re all more comfortable with that! Sorry for being so forward, I’m still getting used to the group dynamic and all (⌒_⌒;)

 

* * *

 

  
Akira: oh my god did he just use kaomoji

 

Ryuji: AHHHH HE CALLED US OUT HE CALLED US OUT

 

Ann: A BANDON S H I P WOMEN AND CHILDREN GET IN YOUR LIFEBOATS

 

Akira: "look at me!!!!! I'm akechi!!! I use kaomoji in my texts to seem less threatening and I use MY GUN TO M U R D E R PEOPLE!!!!!! (・`ω´・)"

 

Ann: WHBFCEHRBCVJHEBCVDHBCC

 

Ryuji: WSWWSXWSXWSWQKLKK

 

Akira: NOW IS NOT A TIME FOR KEYBOARD SMASHING. YOU FOOLS.

 

Akira: SOMEONE REPLY

 

Ann: not it

 

Haru: Not it

 

Futaba: Not it

 

Ryuji: NOT IT

 

Makoto: Not it

 

Akira: OKAY YUSUKE. I GUESS IT’S YOUR JOB

 

Makoto: ……

 

Makoto: I raised you better than this

 

Akira: aaaaAAAAAAA FINE.

 

Akira: I’m just saying. Initiating the GAME OF “NOT IT” SHOULD COUNT AS MY “NOT IT”

 

Makoto: JUST SAY ANYTHING

 

* * *

  

Akira: anything

 

* * *

 

 

Makoto: I’m going to cut you up into little pieces and feed you to the emperor’s koi fish YOU’RE IMPOSSIBLE

 

Ryuji: I AM C R Y I N G

 

Ann: It’s like…some days I wake up and I’m like….did all my friend’s brains get replaced with froot loops?

 

Futaba: The answer is that their brains have always been froot loops

 

* * *

  

Akechi: I beg your pardon Akira?

 

* * *

 

 

Ryuji: OOP akira?

 

Ryuji: Since when has he called you Akira?

 

Akira: Since chili’s babyyyyyyy

 

Makoto: fix it before I fix it for you and then proceed to shove your phone UP YOUR ASSHOLE

 

Akira: UGH fine

 

* * *

  

Akira: Sorry Goro, wrong chat.

 

* * *

 

Ryuji: GORO?????

 

Ryuji: since when HAS HE BEEN GORO

 

Haru: Seems a lot happened in that chilis that we weren’t privy to.

 

* * *

 

  

Akechi: Oh, that’s fine! Don’t worry about it!

 

Akira: You can totally drive

 

Akira: don’t worry, we completely trust you and your driving capabilities.

 

Akechi: Alright!

 

* * *

 

 

Ann: do you think he’s like….at home twirling his mustache and petting his Persian cat as he sends these texts?

 

Ryuji: Ur so dumb

 

Ann: UR SO DUMB

 

* * *

 

 

Akira: Oh, btw Goro, we haven’t welcomed you to the team at all!

 

Akira: we usually throw a party to celebrate our new members and we finished up Sae’s palace and we’ve still got plenty of time before we need to send the card sooooooo..... Are you free this weekend? what do you wanna do to celebrate being a phantom thief?

 

_Makoto Nijima has left the group chat_

 

* * *

 

 

_Makoto Nijima has left the group chat_

 

Ryuji: AKIRA I WILL RIP YOU APART WITH MY BEAR HANDS.

 

Ann: what IS HE DOINGEFBC KERHBFCHEBFCAE

 

Ryuji: I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN HANG OUT WITH BITCHKECHI

 

Haru: Akira that is the longest text I have seen you send in your entire life…….and it was to do THAT

 

Akira:

 

* * *

  

Akechi: Oh well I’m very busy you know…I’ve got quite a few cases to work on for the next two weeks. Maybe we can hang out after Sae’s treasure has been dealt with! And we can always just hang out after the Phantom Thieves have been disbanded!

 

* * *

 

Ryuji: OH MY GOD HE DOESN’T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US??

 

Ann: Isn’t that a good thing???

 

Ryuji: YES

 

Ryuji: BUT I’M ALSO INSULTED. _WE’RE_ SUPPOSED TO BE REJECTING _HIM_

 

* * *

 

Akechi: Oh and is Makoto alright? Does she need someone to add her back in? I don’t really know how group chats work.

 

Akira: She does that sometimes.

 

Akira: probably just got a headache or something.

 

Akira: She gets migraines sometimes.

 

* * *

  

Haru: You’re her headache Akira.

 

Haru: Ryuji is her migraine.

 

Ryuji: I didn’t even DO ANYTHING THIS TIME

 

Futaba: Only because Akira beat you to it.

 

* * *

  

Akira: Btdubs Goro I’m not going to drop this. Pick somewhere you wanna go or I’ll pick somewhere for us.

 

* * *

 

 

Futaba: i’m going to projectile vomit if akira calls him goro one more time

 

Ryuji: HELLO? IS THIS GORO AKECHI? YES, I’D LIKE FOR YOU TO MURDER MY FRIEND AKIRA EARLIER THAN SCHEDULED

 

Futaba: urrrr nooooOOOOT FUNNNYYYYYYYYYY

 

Haru: Ryuji, u know Futaba doesn’t like those kinds of jokes

 

Ryuji: Sorry tubs

 

Futaba: I h8 u

 

Futaba: call me that again and I’ll dox u

 

* * *

  

Akechi: Please take no offense to this Akira but isn’t it a bit trivial to waste time hanging out together when we could be training for our upcoming battles in mementos?

 

* * *

  

Ann: You know if anyone else had said that, I’d think they had half a point but because akechi said it, fuck him lmfao

 

* * *

 

Akira: Team bonding.

 

Akira: The fact that you actually just said that means we need it now more than ever.

 

Akira: We’re going to an escape room this weekend. You’ll like it.

 

* * *

  

Ryuji: nooooooo not another escape room!!!!

 

Ryuji: I just stood around and watched the wall while akira tubs and makoto figured everything out.

 

Ann: It’s okay Ryuji we’ll watch the wall together

 

Futaba: I WILL SKIN YOU ALIVE IF YOU CALL ME TUBS AGAIN

 

* * *

 

Akechi: And what if I had plans made for this weekend already?

 

Akira: PSH no you don't.

 

Akechi: .....Okay yeah, I actually don't. But what if I did?

 

Akira: I'd tell you to cancel them, I’m putting all phantom thieves business on hold until we go out and hang out together as a group

 

* * *

 

 

Futaba: can you imagine being THIS strong of a chaotic neutral.

 

Ann: he just wants to watch the world burn……

 

Ryuji: the m o t h e r e f f e r

 

* * *

  

Akechi: ….All right then, I guess I’m free this weekend.

 

* * *

  

Ryuji: uGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

 

* * *

 

Akechi: …I’ll admit I’ve never had someone be so insistent on making plans with me. I’m kind of flattered!~

 

Akira: I just think we can all benefit from getting to know you more is all

 

* * *

 

 

Ann: So does he spill the beans about being a murderer on the 2nd date or the 3rd date?

 

Ryuji: idk that seems like a first date kind of thing. Very divisive.

 

Futaba: "I just think we can all benefit from getting to know you more is all" is number 7 on top ten uses of foreshadowing in movies

 

* * *

  

Akira: Expect details concerning this later but right now we should all start heading over to the meme entrance.

 

Akira: And for god’s sake can someone please call Yusuke and tell him we’re going to meme.

 

* * *

  

Ann: hi why did you do literally ANY OF THAT

 

Akira:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I SWEAR i will draw the pictures of akechi at various eating establishments as soon as I find my drawing tablet....
> 
> It's somewhere.....
> 
> Thanks for the support y'all!
> 
> P.S: I'm actually playing the game for the first time as I write this and last night I finally got to akechi's final fight and uhhhhh OOF ow wow, is it bad that I cried? I'm still gonna make fun of him like crazy tho


	4. You gotta look inside yourself and say, "What am I willing to put up with today?" NOT GORO AKECHI!

**Thantom Phieves**

 

 **Today** 8:31 PM

Akira: sooooo. Just in case anyone forgottttt

 

Akira: what’re we doing tomorrow?

 

Ann: succumbing to the sweet embrace of death?

 

Akira: No, I have that scheduled for next week.

 

Akira: But good try

 

Akira: tomorrow is our escape room escapade.

 

Futaba: Yeah I know this is supposed to be good for team building and stuff but like

 

Futaba: can we do literally anything else?

 

Haru: What do you recommend Tubs?

 

Futaba: 1. stop.

 

Futaba: 2. L I T E R A L L Y ANYTHING ELSE

 

Akira: okay

 

Akira: as per Futaba’s request, tomorrow’s team bonding exercise has been changed tooooo

 

Akira: doing my laundry.

 

Ryuji: DAMN IT tubs

 

Futaba: ryuji if you call me tubs one more time I’m posting your nudes ALL over twitter

 

Ryuji: YOU HAVE MY NUDES? ? ??????

 

Ryuji: HELLO?

 

Haru: You've taken nudes???

 

Futaba: You uploaded them to the cloud ya stupid dumb idiot

 

Ann:W H Y do you have nudes?

 

Ann: WHO EVEN WANTS YOUR NUDES?

 

Akira: I do

 

Akira: ryuji send me ur nudes.

 

Ryuji: AKIRA

 

Akira: come on

 

Akira: no homo

 

Akira: send nudes

 

Makoto: Akira, stop harassing Ryuji about his nudes or I’ll send them.

 

Akira: MAKOTO

 

Akira: MAKOTO NO

 

Ann: .O.

 

Ryuji: ……..

 

Haru: …. . . . . . . .

 

Ann: tubs….spill the deets…I know u have….

 

Ann: "them"

 

Futaba: Nope, Akira knows where I live.

 

Futaba: I’m not risking it.

 

Futaba: All I can tell is that it's a lot dumber than makoto is making them out to be

 

Futaba: p.s: don’t think I didn’t notice…I’ve just got other priorities at the moment….

 

Futaba:  ur on thin ice takamaki....

 

Akira:

 

Ann: Noted.

 

Akechi: Oh my, it seems I’ve popped in at quite a busy time for this chat!

 

* * *

 

 

**You gotta look inside yourself and say, "What am I willing to put up with today?" NOT GORO AKECHI!**

 

 **Today** 8:52 PM

Ryuji: UGH FUCK ME

 

Ryuji: The only reason I was talking in that chat is because I forgot he was in it

 

Ryuji: wait FUCK

 

Ryuji: GORO AKECHI KNOWS ABOUT MY NUDES

 

Ryuji: FUUUUUUCK

 

Yusuke: seppuku

 

Yusuke: It’s the only honorable escape.

 

Ryuji: YUSUKE SAVE ME

 

Futaba: INARIIIIII!!!!!!!

 

Ann: Omigod hey Yusuke!!!! We’ve missed u these past couple days D,:

 

Yusuke: apologies, I’ve been working on a new piece and I tend to only check my phone whenever I have an errant thought I want your opinions on

 

Futaba: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skaKMmi1Rzg>

 

Futaba: us whenever yusuke enters the chat before 1 AM

 

Ann: “an errant thought” so that’s what he calls them

 

Ryuji: hey do you guys remember when yusuke sent us like a 500 word essay on how sonic forces could have been good

 

Makoto: god, don’t remind me

 

Haru: It was well written though! He made some good points! 

 

Yusuke: don’t worry though ryuji, I know how to fix this

 

* * *

 

Yusuke: (PLACEHOLDER FOR YUSUKE’S SFW NUDE. It is tasteful. Dare I say...It’s artistic. He is standing at an angle but is still bearing it all for his mirror. His phone covers the bottom half his face and u can see his entire torso. However, his actual schlong is covered by a fake plant. You don't get to see the goods and perhaps that is the most beautiful thing about this picture. It subverts the standards of your typical nude and is almost reminiscent of burlesque in the way that it teases its audience. Sunlight is streaming in from the window. It's a beautiful day outside.)

 

Akira: aHA

 

Akechi: Oh my

 

* * *

 

 

Ann: KJNVKIJNVIKJFNIJVNFDKJNVKFVNKFNV

 

Haru: YUSUKE PLEASE

 

Akira: I’m not mad but also HELLO?

 

* * *

 

Yusuke: I took this picture of myself in the bathroom mirror of my dormitory and I thought you’d all like to see it

 

* * *

 

 

Futaba: MY EYES

 

Ryuji: GODGODGODGODGOD

 

* * *

  

Yusuke: The composition was so lovely I couldn’t help but show it off.

 

* * *

 

 

Futaba: MY YOUNG VIRGINAL EYES

 

* * *

  

Yusuke: what do you all think?

 

* * *

 

 

Ann: YUSUKE

 

Yusuke: you’re welcome

 

Ryuji: W H Y 

 

Ryuji: W H Y D I D Y O U D O T H A T ? ? ? ? ? ?

 

Yusuke: I thought if I sent _my_ nudes, nobody would care about yours anymore.

 

Ryuji: yusuke……

 

Ryuji: you sacrificed yourself for me????

 

Ryuji: wow………..

 

Ryuji: I love you so much you freaky lil artist boi…..

 

Yusuke: I love you too ryuji

 

Akira: HEY W E ‘ R E SUPPOSED TO BE THE HOMOEROTIC COUPLE AROUND HERE.

 

Ryuji: YUSUKE SENT GORO AKECHI HIS NUDES TO PROTECT MY HONOR. GET ON HIS LEVEL.

 

Futaba: friendship ended with Akiryu now Ryusuke is my new best friend

 

* * *

 

Akira: finally, some good fucking nudes.

 

Akechi: It is a rather compelling picture Yusuke! The sunlight streaming in through the window like that….I can see why you wanted to take such a spontaneous picture. (*^.^*)

 

* * *

 

 

Yusuke: Actually, I spent 15 minutes arranging that plant at such an angle so that it would perfectly cover my willy. but sure. spontaneity. ….

 

Akira: he uses kaomoji so infrequently that every single time he uses one I’ve already forgotten that he uses them at all so every time it just…

 

Akira: it hits me like a god damn freight train.

 

Ann: “my willy”

 

Ann: you said jizz a couple of days ago, why the sudden reservations?

 

Yusuke: I do not wish to pollute haru’s mind any further than we already have

 

Ryuji: wow okay but "my willy" ????? yusuke I didn’t know your dick was the star of a 199-something movie about whales

 

Haru: dick

 

Ann: DAMN IT RYUJI

 

Ann: moOOOOOM IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN!!!

 

Futaba: #letharusaydick

 

Makoto: I leave for FIVE MINUTES AND YUSUKE SENDS AKECHI HIS NUDES

 

Akira: I mean it’s not TECHNICALLY a nude. You can’t even see his little man

 

Yusuke: those are private

 

Akira: send me the forbidden nudes yusuke

 

* * *

  

Makoto: Yusuke are you eating well? You look thinner than usual :/

 

Haru: okay I agree but also, mako-chan you walked into class today with a 36 oz can of redbull

 

Makoto: …and?

 

Haru: You poured it into your coffee.

 

Makoto: ………and?

 

Haru: You drank it in 15 minutes.

 

Akechi: I’ve done that a couple of times too! It kind of tastes like jolly ranchers huh?

 

Makoto: i’ve always thought it tasted like regret and the sins of my forefathers

 

Makoto: but yeah. Jolly ranchers works.

 

* * *

 

 

Ann: whoa is that akechi showing signs of actual normal teenage dysfunctionality?

 

Ryuji: and here I was thinking he shat rainbows, ate gold and murdered people with his mind

 

Futaba: some semblance of a personality???? From MY akechi?????

 

Akira: ehhhhhh, he’s got one sometimes 

 

Ann: ah yes akira, my favorite personality type.

 

Ann: evil.

 

Makoto: You know, he’s right about it tasting like jolly ranchers, but I just don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing we have something in common.

 

Akira: btdubs, MAKOTO ARE YOU SERIOUS

 

Akira: COFFEE AND REDBULL???

 

Akira: bean dad will not STAND for this

 

Makoto: bean dad doesn’t have 4 papers due by the end of next week and until he does he can SHUT THE FUCK UP

 

* * *

 

Yusuke: Thank you for the kind words in regard to my picture everyone. However, I only popped in to ask if I could perhaps get a ride to the escape room we’ll be going to tomorrow. I can’t afford the train fare.

 

Akechi: I don’t mind driving you! Where do you live?

 

Yusuke: I live in the dorms at Kosei.

 

Akechi: Yep, it’s no problem!~

 

Ann: hey…akechi…..how many people fit in your car?

 

Akira: He’s got a mini cooper so like. 2 more people can squeeze in there with us if they have to

 

* * *

 

 

Ann: damn it ……now I kind of want to be akechi’s friend too

 

Akira: RIGHT? The allure of the car …. The embodiment of teenage rebellion…..

 

Haru: I have a car too!!!

 

Ryuji: Haru, we’ve been over this.

 

Ryuji: You don’t have a car, u have a limo.

 

Haru: It’s still a car!

 

Ryuji: If your limo was a person it’d tell me to stand up straight and take the gum out of my mouth.

 

Makoto: I mean, you should.

 

Makoto: You have shit posture.

 

Ryuji: YOU have a SHIT FACE

 

Ann: how DARE YOU TALK TO OUR MOTHER LIKE THAT

 

Ryuji: #notmymom

 

Makoto: Funny. You’re grounded.

 

Ryuji: DAMN IT

 

Ann: HA A AAAAAA

 

* * *

 

Akechi: Would you like a ride too Ann?

 

* * *

 

 

Ann: nggggghhhhhhhh

 

Ryuji: Don’t do it ann

 

Ryuji: DON’T DO IT ANN

 

* * *

  

Ann: Yeah, sure! I’d really appreciate it!

 

* * *

 

 

Ryuji: oh my god

 

Ann: I’M SORRY I’M…. I’M TOO WEAK…..

 

Akira:

 

Akira: get in me ann……don’t I look nice and comfortable………

 

Ann: I WILL MINI COOPER-SENPAI………..I W I L L

 

Ryuji: You’re all literally the worst

 

Ryuji: no integrity whatsoever

 

* * *

 

Ryuji: yo akechi can I get a ride too

 

Akechi: It’ll be a tight squeeze but we can probably fit you in!

 

Ryuji: liiiiiit

 

* * *

 

 

Ann: I-

 

Ryuji: yeah I know

 

Ann: You’re just so fucking stupid

 

Ryuji: y e a h I k n o w

 

* * *

 

Akechi: Make sure to PM me all your addresses! ~

 

Akechi: I’ll admit, I’m quite a bit excited, I’ve always wanted to try my hands at an escape room.

 

Akira: Okay so about the rooms.

 

Akira: This place has a room limit. Only six people are allowed in a room at a time.

 

Ryuji: but what’s the problem, we all got into one room last time

 

Akira: ryuji you absolute shitdip we didn’t have haru and goro last time. We’re 8 people now. It's addition.

 

* * *

 

 

Futaba: g o r o

 

Futaba: I feel like that dude puppet in the one vape commercial.

 

Futaba: you know the one

 

Futaba: the “oooo he’s kinda cute I wanna kiss him”

 

Futaba: FUUUUUUCK THAT COMMERCIAL but that guy’s projectile vomiting is such a mood

 

Haru: Oh my GOSH that commercial’s so annoying it makes me want to start vaping.

 

Makoto: please don’t

 

* * *

  

Akira: Anyway, so the solution is that we’re going to be split into teams of 4.

 

Akira: teams that I have decided

 

Ann: why do you get to decide?

 

Akira: because shut up

 

Ann: you know, that’s fair.

 

Akira: I’m going to be on a team with makoto, haru and yusuke.

 

Akira: futaba ann ryuji and goro will be on the other team.

 

* * *

 

 

Ryuji: AKIRA

 

Futaba: I wish I had never left my room.

 

Ann: if I make myself sick can I get out of this

 

Haru: I don’t see a problem!

 

Ann: how do I give myself polio

 

 

Ryuji: O H OF COURSE YOU DON’T SEE A PROBLEM

 

 

 Ryuji: A K I R A W H Y

 

Akira: UGH FINE, I’ll fix it.

 

* * *

 

Akira: actually, you know what, that just doesn’t look right to me, futaba are you cool switching places with me?

 

Futaba: Oh yeah, sure! I don’t mind!

 

* * *

 

 

Futaba: ahAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHA

 

Ann: I don’t even know what I was expecting honestly.

 

Ryuji: EAT SHIT AND DIE AKIRA

 

_Ryuji Sakamoto has left the chat_

Futaba: RYUJI GET BACK IN HERE OR I’LL LEAK YOUR NUDES FR THIS TIME

 

_Akira Kurusu has added Ryuji Sakamato to the chat_

Akira: OH COME ON. NOW I’LL BE THERE TOO

 

Ryuji: THAT JUST MAKES IT WORSE

 

Akira: bro…..i thought you loved me

 

Ryuji: bro….. I do it’s just………..my hate for akechi......is so much stronger than any love I could EVER feel……

 

Akira: Dude, we’re gonna beat the other team so quickly tho, bitchkechi’s a genius

 

Makoto: oh?

 

Makoto: oh is that??? A challenge I smell????

 

Haru: oh god

 

Makoto: It’s on Kurusu.

 

Haru: oh god what have you done.

 

Akira: oh shit I poked the bear didn’t I

 

Ann: no

 

Ann: You just smacked the bear in the face with a baseball bat you absolute idiot.

 

Yusuke: You know Akira, as excited as I am for another escape room adventure, I don’t believe you've thought of the implications.

 

Akira: ??

 

Futaba: Inari, what the hell do you mean you’re excited???? you spent like 30 minutes staring at the wall last time because you thought the paint spelled out a message in braille

 

Futaba: SURPRISE!!! IT DIDN’T.

 

Yusuke: In your attempts to bond with Akechi you have unwittingly set up a situation where the two of you will be locked in a room together for an hour with no way out.

 

Yusuke: You’re quite literally going to be locked in a room with the man who wants to kill you.

 

Ann: oh my GOD

 

Haru: Oh d e a r…..

 

Ryuji: HE’S RIGHT….BRO……YOU DIDN’T THINK OF THE IMPLICATIONS AT A L L….

 

Ann: AND RYUJI.... WE'RE GOING TO BE STUCK IN BETWEEN THEM....

 

Futaba: ngggggggHHHH

 

Ryuji: OH GOD..... AKIRA'S GONNA DIE AND IT'S GOING TO BE ALL ANN'S FAULT

 

Ann: FUCK YOU, YOU'D PROBABLY KILL AKIRA ACCIDENTALLY BEFORE AKECHI COULD EVEN PULL OUT A GUN

 

Akira: OH SHIT LMFAO

 

Futaba:  noooooooo o o o

 

Futaba: Akira, I don’t mind switching back

 

Futaba: Fr, I’ll play nice I promise

 

Akira: Guys, relax, it’ll be alright.

 

Futaba: Akira a aaa……

 

Akira: Look, how about we sleep on it, and if it still bothers you tomorrow, we’ll make up a reason why we have to switch back when we’re there.

 

Futaba: alright.. . .

 

Akira: don’t worry about it, I got this tubs

 

Futaba: …..

 

Futaba: I’ll leak the pics you sent to Makoto, I don’t care.

 

Akira: DON’T YOU D A R E

 

* * *

 

**Goro Akechi**

 

 **Today** 11:36 PM

 

Akira: Yo Goro, you don’t need my address, right?

 

Akechi: No, I should be alright! You live in the attic above Leblanc correct?

 

Akira: Yep, home sweet home

 

Akechi: Great!~ I’ll be around to pick you up around.... 11 AM?

 

Akira: lmfao. Yeah okay.

 

Akechi: Alright!~

 

Akechi: May I ask how you ended up living above Leblanc in the first place?

 

Akira: I know you know, don’t bother pretending

 

Akechi: Alright, yes. I do but…. I could only find the basics. It seems that the circumstances surrounding the case are very mysterious.

 

Akechi: But why did you attack that man in the first place? And why isn’t his name mentioned in any of the documents surrounding the case? It’s very odd.

 

Akira: eh, there was a full moon and I’m secretly a werewolf. My bloodlust took over, you know? They tried to execute me but I escaped to Tokyo and Soijiro is a wizard who’s protecting me with his magic. The government doesn't want the general public to freak out so they left the paperwork as vague as possible. 

 

Akechi: …..

 

Akira: ooo, ellipsis, i love those.

 

Akechi: Can you take anything seriously?

 

Akira: When it’s important.

 

Akira: gn goro

 

Akechi: Good night Akira.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI I'M SO MAD I COULDN'T FINISH YUSUKE'S NUDE IN TIME FOR THIS CHAPTER.
> 
> It's artistic...It's art.....
> 
> But anyway thanks for the support everyone! Every comment motivates me to keep adding to this....
> 
> Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing...is up to all of you.
> 
> P.S: I actually finished persona 5 for the first time last night AND SOBBED LIKE A BABY. AHAHA this game hurt me.
> 
> P.S.S: I don't actually have a strict upload schedule but I figured I'd tell you guys this anyway. I'm not gonna be able to upload tomorrow so expect the kids' escape room escapades on monday! hopefully!


	5. Is that a Goro Akechi??? I’m calling THE POLICE!

**You gotta look inside yourself and ask, "What am I willing to put up with today?" NOT GORO AKECHI**

 

 

 **Today** 4:20 AM

Futaba: BLAZE IT

 

Yusuke: go to sleep futaba

 

Futaba: oh???? oh I’m sorry????? What’s that???

 

Futaba: is that?????? the pot calling the kettle black??????

 

Yusuke: touché

 

_Futaba Sakura has changed the group chat name to “Is that a Goro Akechi??? I’m calling THE POLICE!”_

                                                                                               

Yusuke: Hm. Not your best name if I’m being honest.

 

Futaba: lay off inari, they can’t all be masterpieces

 

Futaba: sometimes ya just paint a pretty beach cause it’s a pretty beach and u wanted to do something pretty. Doesn’t always have to be deep u know? As long as it makes u happy

 

Yusuke: were you trying to be deep and metaphorical?

 

Futaba: depends

 

Futaba: did it work?

 

Yusuke: I’ll give you a 6.5/10 for your efforts

 

Futaba: YUSUKE THAT’S A D

 

Yusuke: it’s actually a D+.

 

Akira: GHVOIJ TYOP SDLKEEEROP.

 

Futaba: oh hey mona

 

Yusuke: good evening morgana

 

Yusuke: oh excuse me

 

Yusuke: *good morning morgana

 

Akira: SDUT UP

  

* * *

 

**Thantom Phieves**

 

 

Today 10:30 AM

Akechi: Hello everyone! To all those who need rides, I’ll be going by your houses soon. I’m picking Akira up first at 11 and then Ryuji, Ann and Yusuke respectively.

 

Ann: Sounds good!

 

Haru: Futaba, how’re you going to get there?

 

Haru: Because Akira’s going with Akechi and all

 

Futaba: FUCK

 

* * *

 

  **Is that a Goro Akechi??? I’m calling THE POLICE!”**

 

 

 **Today** 10:35 AM

Futaba: FUCK

 

Futaba: Is it too late to catch a ride with Akechi?

 

Futaba: As much as I despise the idea of actually riding mini cooper-senpai I think it’s my only choice

 

Haru: I mean….I wouldn’t think so. He can just pick you up at Leblanc as well!

 

Futaba: Oh yeah, you’re right

 

Futaba: PHEW

 

Makoto: Haru have you ever even seen a mini cooper?

 

Haru: I….I don’t really know if I have….

 

Makoto: Mini coopers are like the appetizers of the car world.

 

Ann: She’s right tbh

 

Ann: Honestly like…If you get hit by a mini cooper ?????? They’re so fucking small ???? ? Walk it off pussy….

 

Haru: Really??? But why would someone want a car that small anyway?

 

Makoto: Convenience?

 

Futaba: hnggggGGGGH

 

Ann: No it’s because they’re dirt poor and they hate themselves.

 

Futaba: ngGGGGGGHHHH

 

Haru: Futaba, use your words

 

Futaba: I can’t go alone but idk if I’ll even fit in Akechi’s sardine can of a car …..

 

Futaba: @ god y have u forsaken me u BITCH

 

Haru: I’d take you Futaba but my limo is too big to go through your neighborhood…We’ll block traffic.....

 

Ann: Could you imagine being too rich to ride through poor people-ville. . . . Haru p l z ….just let me b e y o u. . . . . ……

 

Haru: Okay but only if you’re willing to deal with my crippling social anxiety

 

Ann: deal.

 

Ann: money and plants are my best friends now

 

Makoto: Maybe we can text Ryuji and tell him to get another ride?

 

Haru: Or Yusuke!

 

Makoto: don’t bother. Yusuke won’t be able to get one.

 

Ann: Is ryuji even awake yet.

 

Ann: Ryuji

 

Ann: ryuji

 

Ann: SAKAMOTO.

 

Makoto: I’ll call him

 

Ann: no NO he’ll sleep through it

 

Ann: I got this

 

_Ann Takamaki has changed the Group Chat name to “You know, Dead Men Tell No Tales is probably the best pirates of the Caribbean movie.”_

 

Ryuji: PISS OFF. THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT THAT ONE IS THAT IT’S THE SHORTEST ONE

 

Ryuji: I fucking KNEW IT WAS U ANN

 

Ryuji: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES HAD THE DECENCY TO END QUICKLY.

 

Ryuji: AND THAT’S IT.

 

Ryuji: on stranger tides is the worst tho

 

Ryuji: omG SCREW THOSE MOVIESSSSS NOW I’M MAD

 

Ryuji: WAY TO FUCK UP A FRANCHISE DISNEY

 

Ann: gm bub

 

Ryuji: I wasn’t asleep btw, I was eating breakfast

 

Ryuji: y’all forget I run in the mornings?

 

Ann: no. you run at night

 

Ann: you run into bed and fall asleep

 

Ryuji: D:<

 

Ann: You’re fooling nobody ryuji.

 

Ryuji: Suck my eff Takamaki

 

Futaba: You know “suck my fuck” as a phrase doesn’t work if you don’t say fuck

 

Futaba: AND YOU SAID FUCK LIKE 3 MINUTES AGO?

 

Futaba: just say it.

 

Futaba: it won’t hurt u

 

Ryuji: noo o oo o o oOOOOO.

 

Ryuji: my ma just walked into the room. I’d feel dirty.

 

Futaba: ur texting. . . . . . . .what she won’t know won’t hurt h e e r….. . . . . .

 

Ryuji: I’ll say it l a t errrrrr r r

 

Ryuji: Anyway, I caught up and sorry but I need the ride…Makoto how’re you getting there?

 

Makoto: Sis lent me some money to take the subway. You know…

 

Makoto: That wonderful mode of public transportation we have….. That anyone can take.

 

Ryuji: I’M POOR MAKOTO.

 

Makoto: YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE 200 YEN SAKAMOTO?

 

Ryuji: NO

 

Makoto: WHY?

 

Yusuke: We went to olive garden yesterday

 

Ryuji: YUSUKE N O

 

Ryuji: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BOYS THING

 

Ryuji: A JUST GUYS THING™

 

Ryuji: God I H A T E THIS F A M I L Y

 

Makoto: The two of you barely have any money….. and you went to

 

Makoto: olive

 

Makoto: garden

 

Makoto: How is that an efficient use of your finances?

 

Ryuji: UM. HELLO? ENDLESS SOUP SALAD AND BREADSTICKS?

 

Ryuji: I TOOK LIKE 13 BREADSTICKS HOME

 

Ryuji: thAT’S LIKE 5 WHOLE MEALS

 

Makoto: I know I’m not a doctor or anything but I really think you should listen to me when I tell you that YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT

 

Makoto: CHOKE ON A BREADSTICK AND DIE

 

Ryuji: I did NOT SHOVE BREADSTICKS INTO MY PURSE TO BE ABUSED LIKE THIS

 

Ann: YOU WENT TO OLIVE GARDEN AND YOU DIDN’T BRING ME A CANOLI???

 

Ann: YOU’RE A STRAIGHT C U C K RYUJI

 

Makoto: You know though, I’m not even mad. I’m just confused and really disappointed.

 

Ryuji: noooOOOO NOT DISSAPOINTMENT. . . . . . …

 

Makoto: Okay no, that’s a lie, I’m mad.

 

Makoto: But not as mad as I expected.

 

Ryuji: HEY. YUSUKE IS ALSO POOR AND BAD AT MAKING DECISIONS.

 

Ryuji: YUSUKE. GET IN HERE. GET BACK IN HERE.

 

Ryuji: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE ABANDONING ME

 

Ryuji: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.

 

Futaba: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2WH8mHJnhM>

 

Futaba: type an f in the chat for ryusuke, the fourth worst ship name I’ve ever heard.

 

Haru: f

 

Ann: F

 

Makoto: f

 

Yusuke: F

 

RyujiI: I HATE LITERALLY ALL OF U

 

* * *

 

Akechi: Hello Akira! Just letting you know I’m outside!

 

* * *

 

 

Futaba: OH YEAH WE’RE DOING THAT LMFAO.

 

Futaba: CAN SOMEONE ASK HIM FOR ME.

 

Makoto: …..He’s literally right outside leblanc

 

Futaba: I don’t even want to talk to akechi with people around I don’t even know how I’ll manage alone.

 

Futaba: it might be incoherent stammering…..

 

Futaba: it might be my fist lodging itself in his esophagus

 

Futaba: are you willing to take that chance momkoto ?

 

Makoto: Just get Akira to ask him

 

* * *

  

Akechi: Hello? Just sending this again just in case it didn’t go through the first time! ｡ﾟ( ﾟ^∀^ﾟ)ﾟ｡

 

* * *

 

 

Makoto: Oh god….

 

Makoto: Akira’s not…..?

 

Haru: o h d e a r

 

Ann: OKAY BUT HONESTLY. THIS IS BORDERLINE A RITE OF PASSAGE FOR THE THANTOM PHIEVES .

 

Ann: HOW MANY OF US.

 

Ann: H O W M A N Y O F U S?

 

Ann: HAVE HAD TO WAIT FOR SLEEPING BEAUTY TO BLESS US WITH HIS PRESENCE.

 

Ryuji: RAISE UR HAND IF U HAVE EVER FELT PERSONALLY VICTIMIZED BY AKIRA “CHAD” KURUSU AND HIS AWFUL SLEEP SCHEDULE

 

Ann:

****

 

Haru: Oh my, is that a picture of a dated reference from someone who isn’t akira?

 

Ryuji : Listen, the bastard’s asleep. SOMEONE’S gotta do it.

 

Ann: How dare you haru. meangirls will never age.

 

Haru: legally blonde > mean girls

 

Ann: THOSE ARE DIFFERENT THINGS AND U KNOW IT.

 

Makoto: Okay but Sae has forever ruined lawyers and any kind of courthouse media for me

 

Makoto: so I’m going to have to disagree.

 

Makoto: She kept me up for an hour explaining how elle’s legal battle in legally blonde was bullshit and it’s like…..sis….it’s a god damn movie…….IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS.

 

Makoto: But I’m not a fan of mean girls’ fan either

 

Ann: So what do you like Makoto?

 

Makoto: …..

 

Ryuji: we went to go see a marathon of all the fast and the furious movies a while ago and I haven’t seen her smile that wide since

 

Haru: wow

 

Makoto: they make me feel alive

 

Ann: yeah, figures

 

* * *

 

Akechi: Hey Akira! I just parked, I’ll be sitting in my usual spot at the bar! (o˘◡˘o)

 

* * *

 

 

Futaba: OH SHIT.

 

Futaba: I ‘ M A T L E B L A N C

 

Haru: O h n O

 

Ann: CALL THE POLICE

 

Futaba: H E I S T H E P O L I C E!!!!!

 

Ryuji: Tubs do you actually need someone cause u know I’ll run over

 

Futaba: gOD ur acting like a decent human being for the first time in ur life and u just have to fuck it up by calling me Tubs AGAIN

 

Futaba: oh he’s in here.

 

Ryuji: Futaba??????

 

Futaba: I’m sitting in the back corner of a booth.

 

Futaba: idk if he’s seen me.

 

Futaba: he’s talking to sojiro

 

Futaba: he’s ordering coffee

 

Futaba: my final will and testament is as follows.

 

Futaba: haru, you get my crippling social anxiety

 

Haru: NO TUBS PLEASE!! I’ve already got that!!!

 

Futaba: too bad, it’s what u get for calling me tubs

 

Futaba: Ryuji, you get to be admin of our minecraft realm.

 

Ryuji: oh HELL YES

 

Ryuji: We’re gonna be playing on creative from NOW ON EHEHEHE

 

Ann: You only want to play on creative cause u fucking suck at mining

 

Ann: The game is literally called MINEcraft

 

Ann: How are you that bad at the core objective of the game like???

 

Ryuji: whO Are you to talk? ?? ???? You’re always farming!!!

 

Ann: CAUSE I LIKE FARMING

 

Ryuji: SO GO PLAY FARMVILLE.

 

Futaba: SHUT UP I’M NOT DONE AND NOW I’M EVEN MORE STRESSED CAUSE SOJIRO LEFT

 

Futaba: NOW IT’S JUST ME AND ACUNTI HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

 

Futaba: anyway

 

Futaba: Yusuke gets the 12 gigabytes of featherman fan art on my hard drive

 

Futaba: Ann idk what u’d want so just walk into my room and pick anything idc

 

Ann: awesome, I’m taking your comforter

 

Futaba: okay cool, that’s not weird at all

 

Haru: (it’s a little weird)

 

Ann: it’s for pillow forts!!!!

 

Futaba: Anyway, he’s not here, but Mona gets to be navigator again

 

Ryuji: lOOking cOOL J O K E R

 

Futaba: I’ll figure out the rest later. I’m 15 I didn’t rlly ever think of writing this shit down

 

Haru: can I get custody of mona-chan

 

Futaba: sorry but mona’s his own agent. You can always bribe him with fatty tuna tho

 

Haru: g o o d t o k n o w....

 

Futaba: ojh

 

Futaba: oh my god

 

Futaba: OH MY GOD

 

Akechi: Hello Akira I’ve been waiting for a while now and we do have to go pick up everyone else. Let me know when you’re ready! ( ˙꒳˙ )

 

Futaba: OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD O H MY G O D

 

Ann: ??????????!!!???

 

Futaba: I’M FUCKING LOSING IT

 

Ryuji: im omw

 

Makoto: Do you need us to call Sojiro????

 

Futaba: NO NO NO I’M FINE

 

Futaba: AKECHI SAID FUCK

 

Makoto: WHAT.

 

Ann: NOOOOOOoooOOOOOOO HE DID NOOOOOT

 

Ann: I DON’T BELIEVE IT

 

Futaba: I SWEAR ON MY HARD DRIVE

 

Futaba: He checked his phone

 

Futaba: GAVE A FRUSTRATED SIGH

 

Futaba: and muttered “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST”

 

Haru: now it’s like you can feel the bubbling rage in his kaomoji

 

Haru: ( ˙꒳˙ )

 

Haru: it’s so menacing with context

 

Makoto: Wow.

 

Makoto: It’s only 11:32 AM and already

 

Makoto: all I want to do is sleep forever

 

Makoto: goro akechi says fuck……….. . . . . .

 

Ann: So that’s two points for “maybe akechi is capable of being a normal teenager when he’s not too busy being a murderboi”

 

Makoto: And so far those two points have been earned by admitting to irresponsible usage of redbull and swearing.

 

Makoto: I don’t like the direction this is going.

 

Futaba: I can’t believe I just saw a teenage serial killer in a sweater vest say the word fuck

 

Futaba: I’m shaking

 

Futaba: I’m quaking

 

Futaba: I need an adult and a shower and a train ticket ouT OF TOKYO

 

Futaba: I’m going to live in the countryside and become a lowly spinster and never speak to anyone ever again ever

 

Makoto: You’re speaking to us right now

 

_Futaba Sakura has left the group chat_

 

Haru: Oh no, now who will name the group chat?

 

Ann: Hm idk

 

Ann: I’ll give it a shot

 

_Ann Takamaki has changed the group chat name to Et Tu Akechi?_

 

Makoto: The whole point of caesar saying that is that he didn’t expect brutus to betray him you know that right?

 

Makoto: Akechi being a fake bitch is probably the only part of his personality we can rely on.

 

Ann: oh god I can’t read suddenly idk

 

Haru: You had to read to send that text message

 

Ann: UM ACTUALLY .....SPEECH TO TEXT FUNCTION. H A R U …….

 

Haru: I’m just saying, if akechi gets to say the f-word I think I deserve to say it at least once

 

Ann: oh god plz don’t I can only handle one unexpected fuck a day

 

Yusuke: that’s what she said

 

Ann: YUSUKE WHERE THE HELL DO YOU KEEP COMING FROM

 

Haru: fuck

 

Ann: CALL THE HOSPITAL

 

Ann: I’M GOING INTO CARDIAC ARREST

 

Makoto: Haru!!!!!

 

Haru: fuck you. you’re not my real mom!

 

Makoto: Haru…..

 

Makoto: ),:

 

Haru: Oh g o d NO I’m s o sorry I DIDN’T MEAN IT!!!!

 

Haru: Please don’t cry I love you momkoto!!!!!!!!

 

Makoto: It's fine, a little teenage rebellion is normal.

 

Ryuji: FUTABA I’M HERE

 

Ryuji: Wait where did Futaba go

 

Ryuji: u gGGGGGGH

 

Ann: RYUJI DO NOT TELL ME….

 

Haru: you know how we always make jokes about how ryuji’s the golden retriever from homeward bound?

 

Makoto: WE’VE NEVER MADE THAT JOKE?

 

Haru: Okay well, it’s not a joke anymore

 

Makoto: I’m just so frustrated with all of you

 

Makoto: Can Akechi just kill me instead?

 

Ryuji: Okay so I’m in leblanc……futaba’s sitting in a corner looking like she just watched her mom die all over again…….and I can’t find akechi………..w h a t I s h A PPENING

 

Makoto: Wait you can’t find akechi?

 

Makoto: Fuck. He’s supposed to be there and if he isn’t then……

 

Ann: Don’t worry about it

 

Ann: I seriously doubt he’s gonna try to squeeze in a mental shut down between breakfast and an escape room escapade

 

Akira: Y’all’ve been busy.

 

Ann: HBECFHEFBCIBEHBF

 

Ann: “Y’all’ve” yoU KNOW MAYBE YOU DESERVE TO DIE AKIRA

 

Akira: Valid

 

Makoto: WHY. WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS? WHY DO YOU DO WHAT YOU DO?

 

Akira: idk maybe I was a koala in my past life or something

 

Akira: 

 

Akira: Koalas sleep a lot right

 

Akira: or did I make that up

 

Haru: Yes they do! They’re very lazy because the eucalyptus leaves they eat take a lot of energy to digest

 

Makoto: Wow you went from being a koala to being an absolute piece of shit.

 

Makoto: major downgrade

 

Akira: OOF and that’s a major burn what’d I do now?

 

Akira: oh

 

Akira: guys

 

Akira: akechi’s on my couch

 

Ann: FUCK

 

Ryuji: OMW UP

 

Makoto: why couldn’t he just be in the bathroom or another horribly mundane location

 

Makoto: By the way, I was on my way to the subway.

 

Makoto: but considering how you guys haven’t even left akira’s house yet

 

Makoto: I’m going to go get brunch

 

Haru: oooo Mako where are you gonna go?

 

Makoto: I don’t know there’s an au bon pain in the subway station

 

Ann: Oh shit I hate that place

 

Ann: I found a shipping tag in their mac and cheese once

 

Makoto: …..okay never mind. I’m just going to starve.

 

_Futaba Sakura has added Futaba Sakura to the chat_

 

Ann: YOU CAN’T ADD YOURSELF TO A CHAT? ????

 

Makoto: Ann it’s Futaba she took out hackers anonymous for 2000 yen.

 

Haru: Honestly, it was my mistake for underestimating her. I do still miss those yen though....

 

Ann: but...do you..... DO YOU ?????

 

Futaba: AKECHI WENT UP TO AKIRA’S ROOM AND NOW RYUJI’S IN AKIRA’S ROOM AND I HEAR TALKING BUT I’M TOO PISS SCARED TO GO UP THERE WHAT IS HAPPENING JESUS CHRIST ON A CRAP I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT MY ROOM. AT LEAST FEATHERMAN AND DEPRESSION MADE FUCKING SENSE

 

Makoto: Okay so what I got from that.

 

Makoto: Akechi is up in Akira’s room and now Ryuji’s up there too

 

Futaba: JESUS CHRIST WHAT IF HE KILLED THEM BOTH AND I’VE JUST BEEN SITTING IN THIS BOOTH WAITING FOR THE FLOOR TO EAT ME ALIVE

 

Ann: No don’t worry tubs!!! You’d have heard something

 

Makoto: Not if he has some kind of silencer

 

Ann: (makoto WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT WE’RE TRYING TO CALM HER DOWN)

 

Futaba: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA A A A A A A A A A A

 

Makoto: (I’m just being realistic)

 

Futaba: I’M GOING UP THERE.

 

Ann: TUBS NO

 

Makoto: If anything looks off call us instantly okay?

 

Haru: please stay safe!!!!!

 

Futaba: no it’s okay I got something to use as a weapon if he tries to come for me

 

Haru: make sure it’s something heavy! And if you’re disarmed his center of gravity is higher than yours so try to pull him down with you!!

 

Ann: I don’t even wanna know haru

 

Futaba: If I die please know that these are my final words…

 

Futaba: I HAVE NEVER AND WILL NEVER APPROVE OF THE NICKNAME TUBS.

 

Makoto: I hate akira so much this is the worst idea he’s ever had

 

Ann: why can’t we just ….go to the movies……like normal kids………. . . . . .

 

Akira: guys why did futaba come into my room crying and holding Reginald over her head like a weapon.

 

Haru: NOT REGINALD!!!!!!

 

Haru: DO NOT TELL ME FUTABA WAS GOING TO USE HIS POT AS A WEAPON.

 

Haru: SMASHING HIS POT LIKE THAT COULD DAMAGE HIS ROOTS!!!

 

Akira: Don’t worry Haru she put him down once she realized it’s all good

 

Haru: >:/

 

Haru: I’m going to have to give Tubs a serious lecture about plant safety!

 

Haru: Reginald is a very good fern and deserves to be treated with dignity and respect!

 

Makoto: akira……..you couldn’t check your phone 5 minutes earlier?

 

Akira: sorry I’m getting dressed

 

Akira: Goro came up here to nag at me about my sleeping habits

 

Ann: wow he’s like the dad friend to makoto’s mom friend

 

Makoto: I’m disowning you if you ever say that again.

 

Haru: I mean I think we’re all used to degenerate or absent fathers. Akechi is no different.

 

Ann: welp what’s another father who disappoints me

 

Akira: how dare you all forsake bean dad like this

 

Ann: ooooooOOOH BEAN DAD!!!!

 

Haru: Coffee father!!!!!!!

 

Akira: sojiro doesn’t let us use the coffee shop as our hideout only to be blatantly FORGOTTEN BY HIS UNGRATEFUL CHILDREN

 

Ann: So I’m 2 for 1 in terms of father figures in my life

 

Ann: I mean it’s not AWFUL

 

Ryuji: can y’all belief akechi’s wearing a fucking sweater vest

 

Ann: And where have you been?

 

Ryuji: akira’s room

 

Akira: yeah he’s sitting on the floor and petting morgana

 

Ryuji: NO, I’M NOT.

 

Akira: (Insert a picture of Ryuji doing exactly that.)

 

Ryuji: I HATE YOU

 

Akira: ANyway I’m dressed and I’m on my way down

 

Akira: With half the fucking Scooby gang in tow

 

Akira: You know you’re all terrible he’s not going to kill me at 11:30 in the moRNING

 

Makoto: He won’t but I might.

 

Akira:

 

 

Akira: Well we were going to go pick up Ryuji first but uh…he got here fine enough on his own so Ann be ready

 

Ann: KK

 

Haru: Ryuji did you really run all the way to Leblanc?

 

Ryuji: ……maybe …..

 

Haru: You’re so sweet~ But be careful! You could have gotten yourself in danger!

 

Ryuji: I knooooow….

 

Futaba: The only thing in danger now are my nostrils

 

Futaba: you smell like shit.

 

Ryuji: UGGGGH god DO I?

 

Futaba: Ugh, I’m kidding broski. You smell like u always do

 

Ryuji: …….which is?

 

Futaba: Gatorade and teenage boi B.O. all covered up by a thin layer of axe.

 

Ryuji: I want you all to know she took a huge whiff of me just to describe my scent as accurately as possible.

 

Ann: she's SPOT ON tho

 

Ryuji: Akechi looks slightly confused but he’s not asking questions so thank god

 

Makoto: Are you all finally on your way out?

 

Ryuji: Yeah just got to his car

 

Makoto: Sweet, I’m at Starbucks about to take the train

 

Haru: disgusting.

 

Akira: You’re dead to me Makoto.

 

Makoto: listen I just…...I needed something to get me through this.

 

Futaba: FUCK I NEVER ACTUALLY ASKED IF I COULD COME WITH

 

Futaba: OH MY GOD AND I FOLLOWED THEM OUT HERE AND EVERYTHING.

 

Futaba: SHIT

 

Haru: Stowaway into the trunk?

 

Ann: You really have no idea what a mini cooper is do you

 

Haru: ….yeah I’m not the best with cars

 

Ryuji: We were walking to school once and she asked me if a car was a Porsche when it had a fucking horse on it.

 

Haru: I think I'm just bad with technology in general though

 

Haru: My laptop caught fire last week

 

Ann: holy SHIT JBHERJBFH

 

Ryuji: Anyway so we talked to Akechi and it’s decided that we’re strapping Futaba to the roof.

 

Makoto: Is it bad I can’t even tell if you’re joking anymore?

 

Akira: Jk, I’m taking the passenger seat and she’s sitting on my lap

 

Akira: Yusuke you’re taking the passenger seat when we get here right?

 

Yusuke: of course

 

Yusuke: the heightarchy is very important and we must adhere to it

 

Futaba: Does that mean I have to sit on Inari?

 

Akira: That cool?

 

Futaba: Ya, it’s cool. Yusuke’s my featherman buddy now.

 

Yusuke: I was actually just about to ask. Do you want to stream the next featherman episode on the way there?

 

Futaba: YEEEEES!

 

Futaba: What episode are you on???

 

Yusuke: season 2 and episode 12

 

Futaba: HELL YEA season 2 rocks

 

Ryuji: Ann you’re ready right?

 

Ann: Yep!

 

Ryuji: Cause we’re going to be there soon

 

Ann: Uhuh

 

Ryuji: And we’re not going to wait for you to finish your makeup or your hair or whatever

 

Ann: RYUJI don’t you trust me?

 

Ryuji: I did ann……but I’ve been burned by you too many times….

 

Ann: I’m SORRY. I HAVE A REPUTATION TO UPHOLD. WHAT IF A FAN SAW ME ON THE STREET AND THEIR FIRST THOUGHT WAS “wow ann takamaki looks like a loser irl”

 

Ryuji: then they would be C O R R E C T.

 

Ann: and t h e n THEY WOULD BE LIKE. BUT NOT AS MUCH OF A LOSER AS THE B O T T L E BLONDE STANDING NEXT. TO. HER.

 

Ann: YOUR ROOTS LOOK LIKE SHIT BTW

 

Ryuji: nooooOOOOO THEY DO NOT I JUST DID THEM!!!

 

Ann: WHAT’D YOU BLEACH THEM WITH? CLOROX?

 

Ann: YOU'RE GONNA BE BALD BY 25

 

Ryuji: AAAAAA FUCK YOU.

 

Ann: Ha! I win!

 

Futaba: 32-4 in Ann vs. Ryuji’s. Will Ryuji ever catch up? Find out next time!

 

Ryuji: Oh god you're actually keeping track

 

Haru: He won’t

 

Ryuji: Hey PEOPLE LOVE AN UNDERDOG STORY

 

Ryuji: btwdubs Ann we’re outside

 

Ann: thnks babe!

* * *

  

Akechi: Hello Ann! We’re outside waiting for you!

 

Ann: Awesome! Thanks again

 

* * *

 

Futaba: ugh SHIT we have to get out just for her to get in. so dumb.

 

Futaba: WHY DO PEOPLE BUY CARS WITH TWO DOORS IT’S SO STUPID

 

Haru: t w o d o o r s ?

 

Futaba: T W O D O O R S.

 

Ryuji: At least ur not stuffed back here.

 

Ryuji: damn heightarchy.

 

Yusuke: I think the heightarchy is a very useful and efficient system to ensure everyone’s comfort

 

Ryuji: OF COURSE YOU DO.

 

Ryuji: BECAUSE YOU BENEFIT THE MOST FROM IT.

 

Ryuji: UR A STUPID TALL ASS MOTHERFUCKER WHO ALWAYS GET TO SIT IN THE FRONT. 

 

Ryuji: there’s YOUR FUCK FUTABA

 

Futaba: thankies

 

Yusuke: But could you imagine me

 

Yusuke: and my 5’11 limbs crammed back there with you?

 

Akira: Sounds hot

 

Haru: And where have you been?

 

Akira: well I can’t really text with Futaba sitting on top of me so right now I’m living in the 1980’s

 

Akira: off the grid….

 

Akira: disconnected….

 

Akira: it’s like in castaway

 

Ann: except it’s literally not????? you're in a car with air conditioning and other people ???

 

Akira: l i k e c a s t a w a y

 

Akira: Btw I see you standing in the lobby texting me Ann get in the fucking car

 

Ann: JEEZ okay

 

Haru: Guys did she do that thing again where she dresses really nice and makes the rest of us look awful?

 

Futaba: Yep.

 

Haru: ugh DARN IT.

 

Ann: I’m sorry Haru plz don’t yell it’S IN MY NATURE

 

Haru: I JUST WANT TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL ANN

 

Ann: but haru ur so pretty

 

Ann: the prettiest

 

Ann: the queen of floof

 

Haru: t h a n  k y o u omigosh

 

Futaba: Hey Haru you’re on your way right?

 

Haru: Oh I’ve been here

 

Futaba: WHAT

 

Ann: OJNECFEWJNFCIENCF HELLO?

 

Haru: Yeah! I’ve been sitting here waiting for you guys!

 

Haru: It’s okay though I think Mako hasn’t texted in a while cause she’s underground. So she should be almost here!

 

Ryuji: WE’RE GONNA TELL AKECHI TO STEP ON IT

 

Haru: o h g o s h

 

Futaba: OH MY GOD WE TOLD HIM YOU WERE WAITING AND TO STEP ON IT

 

Ryuji: I FEEL SO FUCKING ALIVE

 

Ryuji: AHHAAHAHAHAHAHAA

 

Ryuji: MAKOTO I KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE SIGNAL BUT… I GET IT NOW

 

Futaba: AND THEN HE JUST SMILED THAT CREEPY LITTLE SMILE OF HIS SAID "okay" AND THEN PROMPTLY SHIFTED INTO 6TH GEAR. 

 

Futaba: THE MAD LAD

 

Futaba: o H AND BTW HE DRIVES STICK

 

Haru: ……stick?

 

Futaba: I’LL TELL YOU LATER HARU

 

Ann: THE WINDS GETTING MY HAIR ALL FUCKED UP

 

Ann: THANK GOD I BROUGHT A BRUSH

 

Futaba: OH YEAH AND AKIRA ROLLED ALL THE WINDOWS DOWN KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEK

 

Yusuke: should we call someone haru?

 

Haru: no they’ll be fine

 

Makoto: Hey, just got off the train, walking there now

 

Haru: Yay!!!

 

Makoto: …….

 

Makoto: if you crash haru and I are just going to go get lunch

 

Makoto: I’m not wasting an outfit because you’re all stupid.

 

Haru: I’d love that!

 

Makoto: Alright! Where do you want to go?

 

Haru: hmmmmmmmmm

 

Haru: We can do a dine-in movie!

 

Makoto: Oh that sounds really nice actually! What’s in theatre right now?

 

Haru: I don’t really know XP Let me check!!

 

Futaba: WE’RE NOT DEAD YET ASSHOLES

 

Futaba: GET THE FUCK OUT HERE YUSUKE

 

Yusuke: on my way!

 

Makoto: Ugh, darn it.

* * *

  

Akechi: Yusuke we’re here!

 

Yusuke: Excellent. I assume the front seat is vacated for me?

 

Akira: yes sir.

 

Akira: the heightarchy recognizes your dominance and thus declares you king shotgun

 

Akechi: …..the heightarchy?

 

* * *

  

Ann: Akira CAN’T WE KEEP A N Y OF OUR INSIDE JOKES?

 

Akira: I mean he doesn't know about tubs

 

* * *

 

Akira: So you know how tall people prefer a lot of leg room? For their longer limbs and shit

 

Akechi: Yes! It’s something I struggle with myself on occasion actually

 

Ryuji: wait. How tall are you again?

 

Akechi: 5’9!

 

Akechi: Not particularly tall, but amenities in Japan can be very small...

 

* * *

 

Ryuji: UGH

 

* * *

 

Yusuke: I still win.

 

Akira: OH okay you're right after me

 

Akira: So we have the heightarchy to decide who gets to sit where

 

Akira: Which is now as follows

 

Akira:

1\. Yusuke

2\. Akira

3\. Akechi

4\. Ryuji

5\. Ann

6\. Makoto

7\. Haru

8\. Futaba

9\. Morgana

 

Akira: The higher up you are on the list the more considerate of you and your need for space.

 

Akira: so, for example, we’re letting Yusuke sit up front so his legs don’t cramp up. But Futaba’s a little fucking gremlin so we just cram her wherever we can fit her

 

Futaba: just wait until I hit my growth spurt! D:<

 

Futaba: THEN YOU’LL BE SORRY!

 

Ryuji: ME TOO

 

Ann: Ryuji. no way in hell you’re hitting another growth spurt.

 

Ryuji: NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE I WON'T

 

Akechi: Thank you for the explanation! However, I have to say.

 

Akechi: We are all sitting in the same car together.

 

Akechi: You could have just told me this in person.

 

Akira: OH YEAH AHAHA RIP

 

* * *

  

Futaba: we as a collective only have 3 brain cells and I think makoto and haru have all of them today

 

Ann: Hey you think Akechi’d be cool if we took a selfie in here

 

Ann: This is kind of a cute photo op

 

Ann: We can just crop him out after he betrays us.

 

Akira: Alright

 

* * *

  

Akechi: We’re on our way, everyone!

 

Makoto: Awesome, Haru and I are in the lobby waiting

 

Akechi: So sorry for the wait!! We’ll be there soon!

 

Ann: Yo goro send me the pic

 

Akechi: Of course!

 

Akechi: (Insert the aforementioned selfie! Akechi's holding the phone, looking slightly awkward but still smiling. Ann, Ryuji and Akira are all crammed into the backseat, Ann smiling brightly while the other two smile a bit more sheepishly. In the corner of the picture, you can see yusuke with futaba sitting on top of him. They're not paying attention and each one has an earbud in, watching featherman on futaba's phone.)

 

* * *

 

Ryuji: ANN

 

Ryuji: ANN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

 

Ann: whAAAT NOW RYUJI

 

Makoto: ann. Go to the other group chat.

 

Ann: oh

 

Ann: oh GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE

 

Ann: WHAT HAVE I DONE

 

Ann: I’M TRYING NOT TO SCREM INTO THE BACK OF THIS MINI COOPER RN BUT IDK IF I CAN HOLD IT

 

Akira: We’re going at like 65 miles an hour, please don’t.

 

Futaba: god it’s like a disease

 

Futaba: the goro-pedemic

 

Futaba: OOOHHH THAT’S NOT BAD

 

Futaba Sakura has changed the groupchat name to Goro-pedemic 2k19

 

Futaba: YUSUKE JUST LEANED IN AND WHISPERED “that one's a 7/10”

 

Futaba: THAT'S A C

 

Futaba: UGH 

* * *

  

 **Today** 12:03 pm

Akechi: Parking!

 

Akira: goro you could have just asked one of us to text in the chat

 

Ryuji: Fr, watching you try and park using one hand is just sad

 

Ann: At least he CAN drive

 

Akira: HEY I CAN DRIVE

 

Makoto: Morgana would beg to differ

 

Akira: UGH GOD don’t remind me, morgana’s mad I didn’t bring him

 

Haru: Aw why not????

 

Akira: We almost got kicked out last time because HE DECIDED instead of solving the puzzles he was just gonna pick the lock….

 

Akira: So not ONLY did we get in trouble for having a cat we got in trouble for breaking their lock too

 

Akira: cause you know I couldn’t really be like “oh haha yeah that was my CAT PICKING THE LOCK”

 

Haru: Darn…If only he hadn’t jumped to conclusions.... he’d probably really enjoy the puzzle solving!

 

Akira: Don’t worry I left him a rubiks cube

 

Haru: ….you gave a cat a rubiks cube?

 

Akira: Figuring out how to use it is part of the puzzling fun

 

* * *

**Goro-pedemic 2k19**

 

 **Today** 12:08 PM

Futaba: hey akira sorry but can we switch back

 

Futaba: sorry I should’ve mentioned it earlier

 

Akira: yeah cool

* * *

 

Akira: Btw team, my horoscope said I should avoid working with geminis today so I’m switch us back to our original teams. so tubs, ryuji, ann and goro in the serial killer room and makoto, yusuke haru and I will take the Edison room.

* * *

 

Futaba: YOUR HOROSCOPE.

 

Futaba: YOU’RE A PHANTOM THIEF WITH A CRIMINAL RECORD AND YOUR BEST EXCUSE IS???

 

Futaba: YOUR HOROSCOPE???

 

Akira: I mean it worked

 

Futaba: goooOOOOOOOOOOOD I HATE YOU

* * *

 

Akechi: Sounds good to me! Although a serial killer themed room sounds very much like my actual job

 

Akechi: I thought this was supposed to be a break Akira :p

 

Akira: oooooooh trust me, we did a version of it last time and it’s pretty fucking ridiculous. you’ll probably think it’s funny. 

* * *

  

Futaba: :p

 

Ann: :p

 

Ryuji: :p

 

Akira: 😜

 

Makoto: NOPE. TAKE IT BACK YOU ARE NOT USING EMOJIS.

 

Akira:😢

* * *

 

 **Today** 1:32 PM 

Haru: We’re DONE!

 

Makoto: WE WON!!!!!!! THEY’RE NOT OUT YET!!!!!

 

Makoto: YEEEEEEES!!!

 

Makoto: HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

 

Akira: you realize we only won because I just happened to guess the combination on the final safe while I was holding it and because of that we accidentally skipped like…half the puzzle, right?

 

Makoto: Doesn’t matter, we still won.

 

Yusuke: the poor employee….. she was so confused as to how we managed it…..

 

Haru: yeah the parts of the puzzle she explained that we skipped seem like they would have been really fun but akira just….did what he does I guess

 

Akira: Sorry Haru, I just can’t turn off being a bad bitch

 

Akira: it's really a struggle

 

Haru: don’t worry, I would never ask you to be anyone besides yourself.

 

Akira: thanks babe ;,)

 

Ryuji: SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU. THIS IS HARD AND THE VIBRATING IS NOT HELPING

 

Akira: Oh god how bad is it if ryuji’s actually trying to help.

 

Ryuji: FUCK YOU

 

 

 **Today** 1:52 PM

Ryuji: AKIRA I KNOW YOU’RE THE ONE BANGING ON THE DOOR

 

Akira: yeah okay but on a scale of 1-10 how bad did y’all shit your pants

 

Ryuji: GORO ACTUALLY YELLED FUCK THAT’S HOW BAD

 

Ryuji: YOU’RE NOT FUNNY, CLEVER OR ORIGINAL AND I HATE YOU

* * *

 **Today** 1:55 PM 

Haru: oh god it really is spreading

 

Haru: how long until we’re all infected…….

* * *

 

 Today 2:03 PM

 

Akira: Where’re we getting lunch?

 

Akechi: Well, winner’s choice!

 

Akira: Eh, we all won, we all got out!

 

Akechi: Yes but considering our time limit was an hour... 59 minutes and 54 seconds was a VERY close call

 

Akira: Okay but seeing you and futaba run out the room was absolutely priceless

 

Futaba: we would’VE GOTTEN OUT EARLIER IF GORO DIDN’T OVERTHINK EVERY LITTLE THING

* * *

  

Makoto: NO FUTABA NO

 

Futaba: WELL HE DID!!!!!! HE WAS ALL LIKE “mAybE ThE BoDY PaRTS ArE FROm diFFereNT B O D I E S” AND IT MADE SENSE BECAUSE OF THE DIFFERENT SKIN TONES. BUT NO. IT WAS ONE BODY. AND WE’RE IDIOTS

 

Makoto: futaba …that’s not what I meant…..

 

Futaba: o

 

Futaba: oh GOD WHO AM I

* * *

 

Haru: We could go to big banger burger! It’d be on me!

 

Akira: Aw hell yeah. Y’all wanna see me eat the cosmic burger?

 

Akechi: ….Is that the ridiculous challenge burger they’re always promoting?

 

Akira: yep.

 

Akechi: ….No human being could possibly eat that

 

Haru: Nope, it’s true! Akira’s our youngest solo winner!

 

Akechi: .......I’ll believe it when I see it with my own eyes….

 

Akira: LIT we’ll head over

 

Akira: Yusuke, Ann, Makoto you guys are going with Haru right?

 

Haru: Yep! Central street?

 

Akira: yessiree

 

Ann: oh my GOD THERE’S CHAMPAGNE IN HERE

 

Ryuji: SAVE ME SOME

* * *

 

  **Today** 6:12 PM

 

Ann: Hey guys send all the pics we took today!!

 

Akira: (Sends a blurry picture he took in the escape room. All you can see is the top of his head.)

 

Ann: That’s gonna be the first thing I post on my story. Wow. Beautiful. Stunning.

 

Makoto: (A picture of akira sitting in front of an empty plate very smugly. Akechi is sitting next to him, almost cut off from the picture entirely but despite this, you can see the look of pure shock on his face.)

 

Yusuke: (A Selfie of all of them sitting the dinner table. Sent six times. Yusuke is holding the phone in the picture and everyone's crowded behind him.)

 

Ryuji: Yusuke, that’s the same picture

 

Yusuke: no, the angles are slightly different

 

Ryuji: Okay yeah sure m8

 

Ryuji: Sorry I didn’t take any pics xp

 

Ryuji: Y’all know how crap my android is

 

Ann: OH this one’s GOOD

 

Ann: (picture of Futaba and Akechi kneeling on the floor figuring out a puzzle while ryuji hovers over them looking confused but desperately trying to help)

 

Ryuji: I mean at least I WAS TRYING YOU WERE JUST STANDING IN THE BACK

 

Ann: I WAS STAYING OUT OF THEIR WAY

 

Akira: OH I SNAGGED THIS

 

Akira: (Picture of Futaba and Akechi running out the escape room door. Futaba is stumbling out looking shocked. Meanwhile, Akechi looks like he's just seen the devil and spit in his face. Ann and Ryuji are standing in the back and haven't even noticed the door's open)

 

Futaba: HA nice

 

Akechi: (A group picture of all of them in the lobby of the escape room.)

 

Akechi: Thank you all so much! I had a really great time today! It was a lot of fun to just relax for a bit and forget myself~

 

Yusuke: I’m glad you had a good time goro

* * *

  

Haru: OH GOD

 

Haru: I feel like I’m in a zombie apocalypse movie and I’m watching everyone drop like flies….. MAKOTO IT’S JUST YOU AND ME NOW

 

Makoto: it’s okay haru…I’m still here with you…….

 

Haru: I l ov e y o u  m o m

* * *

 

**Goro Akechi**

 

Akechi: I know I said this earlier but I really do mean it. Thank you for convincing me to go out with all of you today.

 

Akira: ofc. I hope you feel welcome

 

Akechi: I actually really do…

 

Akechi: thank you

 

Akira: yea man, don't sweat it. we won't be around for much longer but you're one of us for as long as we last

 

Akechi: is that so?

 

Akechi: then it's truly an honor to work alongside all of you for as long as I am able.

 

Akira: anyway, I know tomorrow’s Monday but Ryuji’s trying to plan a “just guys” thing.

 

Akira: It shouldn’t be a huge thing. Usually, we just go out to eat at a chain restaurant like olive garden or red robins (yum) or something. It's a just guys thing and you're a guy sooooooo can I count you in?

 

Akechi: Okay, sure.

 

Akechi: Let me know when you have details!

 

Akira: Whoa you’re not fighting me on this?

 

Akira: Who a r e you ?

 

Akechi: Oh I forgot to mention. I’ve actually been replaced by my more sociable twin. Loro Akechi

 

Akira: PSSSSSSSSSSH

 

Akira: AND A JO KE ?????? ? ? ? ??

 

Akira: WHO ARE YOU

 

Akechi: Who knows?

 

Akechi: I’ll see you tomorrow Akira

 

Akira: Alrighty, see you tomorrow Loro

 

_Akira Kurusu has changed Goro Akechi’s preferred screen name from “Akechi” to “Goro”_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMFAO I'M SORRY GUYS I'M THE WORST
> 
> I'm actually an independent playwright outside of all of this (it's why I prefer writing in the chatfic format) and I REALLY needed to finish a certain project of mine. To do this I pretty much cut myself off from my other projects until I could finish that DARN play
> 
> But it's done! And I can go back to obsessing over persona and crying yAAAAAY
> 
> I figured I'd give you a very long chapter to make up for my absence so lmk what you think! Thanks a lot and expect Bois night out soon!
> 
> (also i in final sketches for all the pictures I mention in this fic...I'm sorry....I'm not much of an artist anymore but i'M TRYING)


	6. THREE BROS CHILLING IN A HOT TUB

**Today** 5:23 PM

_Ryuji Sakamoto has made the group “THREE BROS CHILLING IN A HOT TUB”_

_Ryuji Sakamoto has added Yusuke Kitagawa and Akira Kurusu to "THREE BROS CHILLING IN A HOT TUB"_

 

Akira: -FIVE FEET APART CAUSE THEY’RE N O T GAY!

 

Akira: Wait are we all not gay?

 

Yusuke: sexuality is a spectrum and we’re all going to die someday anyway

 

Yusuke: who cares?

 

Akira: wow look at you edgelord

 

Yusuke: apologies. I’m in a particular mood today.

 

Akira: Yeah, hifumi told me the school canceled your class’ pizza lunch

 

Akira: She was…very…….upset….

 

Yusuke: she tried to encourage us to start a revolution

 

Akira: she sent me 300 words on how it was an abuse of taxpayer money and kosei deserves to be burnt to the ground for lying to its students.

 

Yusuke: yes that sounds about right.

 

Yusuke: her revolution would have worked too… but the bell rang

 

Ryuji: WHAAAAAAT

 

Ryuji: dude BUT FUCK THAT

 

Yusuke: worst of all.....they gave us chicken nuggets and broccoli instead……

 

Yusuke: merely adding insult to injury I suppose

 

Akira: that’s just fucking cruel WOW

 

Ryuji: we should change your principal’s heart

 

Akira: agreed.

 

Ryuji: what kind of bastard would do that to c h i l d r e n ?????

 

Akira: BUT, yusuke’s hunger strike aside, I’m guessing this is for our Just bois™ hangout today?

 

Ryuji: HELL YEAH!!!

 

Akira: Okay, well then, you forgot someone . . . …….

 

Ryuji: Morgana doesn’t have a phone ????

 

Akira: nooooooo I KNOW you know who I’m talking abouuut…..

 

Ryuji: OH HE’S COMING? COOL!

 

_Ryuji Sakamoto has added Yuuki Mishima to the chat_

 

Yuuki: Oh?

 

Yuuki: Hewwo?

 

Yusuke: oh god

 

Ryuji: SUP

 

Akira: thAT’S NOT WHO I MEANT

 

Yuuki: Sup ?? ? ???????????????

 

Akira: he can stay tho.

 

Ryuji: WE OUT HERE ABOUT TO HAVE ANOTHER BOIS NIGHT™ YUUKI

 

Yuuki: ohhhHHHHH HELL YEA BABY!!!

 

_Ryuji Sakamoto has changed the group chat name to “FOUR BROS CHILLING IN A HOT TUB”_

 

Akira: RYUJI.

 

Ryuji: idkkkk Akira….. the hot tub’s getting kinda full……

 

Ryuji: five bros in a hot tub AND their cat……..

 

Ryuji: sounds a bit crowded……. . . ... ..

 

Yuuki: Akira, why do you bring your cat to bois night™ anyway?

 

Akira: He’s needy

 

Yusuke: coincidentally that’s also why we invited you mishima

 

Akira: ahAAAAAAA YUSUKE

 

Ryuji: Y U S U K E NEDJNEJDN

 

Yuuki: wow……..a furry just publically disgraced me….i have to go into hiding right now…..

 

Yusuke: I’M NOT A FURRY MISHIMA.

 

Yuuki: You can lie to us but you can’t lie to y o u r s e l f kitagawa… …

 

Ryuji: type an f in the chat for mishima’s dignity

 

Yusuke: f

 

Ryuji: f

 

Akira: F

 

Mishima: can’t type an f for something that never existed in the first place 😜😜😜

 

Akira: RYUJI. I ALREADY INVITED HIM. JUST PUT HIM IN ALREADY.

 

Ryuji: w H Y DID YOU INVITE HIMMMMM????

 

Ryuji: IS DEATH THAT APPEALING TO U??????

 

Akira: HE HAS A CAR YOU SHITDIP!

 

Akira: Just think about it!!!!!!!!

 

Akira: THIS IS GONNA BE OUR BEST BOYS NIGHT YET!

 

Ryuji: oh buT YOU’RE RIGHT.

 

Akira: BECAUSE W E C A N D R I V E P L A C E S!!!!!

 

Ryuji: OH FUCK YESYESYESYESYESYEEEESSSSS!!!!

 

Akira: plus u gotta admit, he’s growing on u a little huhhhhhh???????

 

Ryuji: ugh GOD you’re right….

 

Ryuji: He’s just like…….

 

Ryuji: a really persistent mold….

 

Ryuji: and I’m the 3-week-old baloney in the back of the fridge….

 

Akira: Nice metaphor augustus

 

Akira: now add goroboi into the chat before I cancel bois night™ FOR ALL OF US

 

Yuuki: guys who tf are u even talking about

 

Akira: U know goro akechi the famous wonder boi detective who hates the pt’s ?

 

Yuuki: lmfao yeah

 

Yuuki: fuck that guy

 

Akira: and you know the saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer?

 

Yuuki: …….ye a h?

 

_Ryuji Sakamoto has added Goro Akechi to “FOUR BROS CHILLING IN A HOT TUB”_

 

Akira: HEY GORO

 

Goro: Hello Akira!!

 

Goro: I’m assuming this is the “just boys” hangout you mentioned?

 

_Ryuji Sakamoto has changed the group chat to “FIVE BROS CHILLING IN A HOT TUB”_

 

Akira: HELL YEA!

 

Yuuki: wait

 

Yuuki: WAIT

 

Yuuki: ARE YOU TELLING ME

 

Yuuki: GORO “I WOULDN’T PISS ON THE PHANTOM THIEVES IF THEY WERE ON FIRE” AKECHI

 

Yuuki: IS THE NEW GUY YOU MENTIONED TO ME?

 

Goro: I’m sorry, I’m unfamiliar with who you are?

 

Yuuki:  A N D YOU GUYS HAVEN’T TOLD HIM ABOUT ME???

 

Yuuki: 😭

 

Yuuki: I PAY 1500 YEN A YEAR TO MAINTAIN YOUR STINKIN SERVER AND YOU CAN’T EVEN MENTION ME TO THE NEW GUY????? WHAT KIND OF B U L L S H I T??

 

Akira: I’M SORRY MISHIMA I GUESS IT SLIPPED OUR MINDS

 

Yuuki: IT S L I P P E D Y O U R M I N D ?????????

 

Yuuki: SLIP ON SHIT AND DIE. 

 

Yuuki: Y'ALL SUCK.

 

Yusuke: I mean I didn’t know who you were until about 3 months ago

 

Yusuke: god how I miss those days

 

Mishima: CAN IT YUSUKE

 

Goro: ….I’m assuming you run the phansite?

 

Yuuki: Why yes whatever gave you that impression mr defective?

 

Akira: MISHIMA

 

Akira: I’m so sorry Goro, he’s a bottom, he’s just like that.

 

Yuuki: 1. I’m a POWER BOTTOM!!!! that’s important to specify!

 

Yuuki: 2. AKIRA. NOW GORO AKECHI KNOWS I’M A POWER BOTTOM MAN 😳

 

Yuuki: GOD DAMN IT!!!

 

Akira: hey I ONLY TOLD HIM YOU WERE A BOTTOM. YOU TOOK CARE OF THE FIRST HALF ALL BY URSELF

 

Goro: Don’t worry. I’ve seen Yusuke’s nude photos, this is hardly something that’ll phase me.

 

Ryuji: whatre u gay or something mishima?????

 

Yuuki: SO WHAT SAKAMOTO??? SQUARE UP

 

Goro: Ryuji! That’s a bit rude

 

Goro: It’s 2019.

 

Ryuji: Oh no Goro, it’s cool, he comes out to me at least once a week

 

Yuuki: um….ryuji you’re my bro no matter what right…..?

 

Akira: oh GOD NOT AGAIN

 

Ryuji: Oh dude yuuki ofc………what’s up.. . .homie….????????

 

Akira: YOU GUYS ARE DUMB

 

Yuuki: well amigo…..I’ve done a lot……of soul searching………and I think…..i’m like….. a little gay………

 

Akira: YOU’RE JUST fuckING DUMB

 

Ryuji: oh wow broski…..i’m so glad u trusted me with this……

 

Yusuke: you are a little gay

 

Yusuke: a 5’6 gay to be exact

 

Yuuki: YUSUKE I W I L L BLAST YOU ON THE PHANSITE

 

Yuuki: I SWEAR IT.

 

Yuuki: ALL OF TOKYO IS GONNA SEE YOUR NUDES!

 

Akira: tbh jokes on YOU because everyone’s ALREADY S E E N YUSUKE’S NUDES

 

Akira: Anyway

 

Akira: goro, this is yuuki mishima, he’s my classmate and he started up the phansite after we saved him from kamoshida

 

Ryuji: yea

 

Ryuji: kamoshida was using his sexuality to blackmail yuuki into doing his bidding

 

Ryuji: bc like. If kamoshida wasn’t ENOUGH of an asshole he just HAD TO BE A HOMOPHOBE. IN THE YEAR 2019

 

Yuuki: who TF HAS THE ENERGY TO OUT GAY PEOPLE IN 2019

 

Yuuki: like….JUST GO HOME AND SLEEP AND STAY OUT OF MY LIFE…G O DDDD

 

Yuuki: Also, since we’re just telling everyone my life story…. …..I’m a pisces……. I’m 16 years old………. I live at home with my dad and my two brothers ……..I spent my first year of high school being systematically abused…….

 

Akira: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rjjArvzXuc>

 

Akira: actual footage of mishima on the day kamoshida confessed

 

Goro: Well, I’m glad to meet you Mishima! I’m sorry we haven’t met in person yet but I’ll be seeing you tonight

 

Yusuke: you’re not missing much

 

Yuuki: 🐱

 

Yusuke: grrrrrrrr

 

Yuuki: OH SO YOU’RE GROWLING NOW?

 

Yuuki: YOU’RE LITERALLY PROVING MY POINT

 

Akira: YUUKI leave him alone, they canceled his class’ pizza party, he’s mourning

 

Yuuki: OOF that’s cold

 

Yuuki: But I guess it’s nice to meet you Akechi.

 

Yuuki: I gotta say, I didn’t really think the phantom thief's new member would be their #1 detractor ......

 

Ryuji: (oh no he’s using big words that means this is serious)

 

Goro: Well, I’ve joined under special circumstances. We’re both after a common goal right now and figured joining forces would work best.

 

* * *

 

**Ryuji Sakamoto**

**Today** 6:16 PM

Ryuji: A COMMON GOAL..QWSQSQS

 

Ryuji: GOD

 

Ryuji: but he’s not wrong

 

Ryuji: My goal is also to kill you.

 

Akira: yeah, you know, go ahead

 

Ryuji: n o I l o ve u t h ooo

 

Ryuji: I didn’t m e a n i tttt

 

* * *

 

Yuuki: Well. As long as they trust you, I guess I do too.

 

* * *

  **Ryuji Sakamoto**

 

Ryuji: PSHHHHH. JESUS CHRIST

 

Ryuji: should we….TELL HIM?

 

Akira: mishima would murder goro before the poor bastard could even look at me

 

Akira: I just wanna have a fun bois nite™…. Plzzzz ….. He’s not gonna kill me during bois nite™….bois nites™ are sacred…..

 

Ryuji: Ugh ur right, that’ll just start shit

 

Ryuji: I’m so grateful yuuki doesn’t have a persona

 

Ryuji: that shit would be HORRIFYING

 

* * *

 

 

Yusuke: are we just going to sit around and threaten akechi or are we actually going to plan for our outing?

 

Akira: Yusuke, if we get pizza, will u promise to be in a better mood?

 

Yusuke: …yes.

 

Akira: HELL YEA

 

Ryuji: YUSUKE’S RIGHT THO

 

Ryuji: SO OUR JUST BOYS NIGHT™

 

Ryuji: what’RE WE UP TO BROFRIENDS?

 

Goro: Well if I’m being completely I still have no idea what a boy’s night actually entails

 

Ryuji: Um EXSQUEEZE me GORO AKECHI

 

Ryuji: Boy’s Night™ is copyrighted property.

 

Ryuji: please respect that

 

Goro: Oh, of course, excuse me.

 

Goro: *boy’s night™

 

Ryuji: thank you.

 

Ryuji: SO A BOY’S NIGHT IS JUST A NIGHT WHERE ALL DA BOIS GO OUT TOGETHER -BECAUSE GIRLS HAVE COOTIES- AND BOND OVER MALE THINGS LIKE….SPORTS AND…

 

Ryuji: Idk what else do we talk about??

 

Yuuki: I mean last time we stared at our wallets and cried for a while

 

Akira: Tbh tho we don’t even talk. We usually just eat.

 

Ryuji: WELL, NO. TONIGHT IS DIFFERENT.

 

Ryuji: TONIGHT, WE CELEBRATE THE TRUE BONDS BETWEEN MEN.

 

Akira: sounds gay

 

Yuuki: I'm into it. 

 

Ryuji: GORO. YOUR CAR. WHAT IS ITS NAME?

 

Goro: Do you mean my license plate number?

 

Ryuji: DOES YOUR CAR NOT HAVE A HUMAN NAME?

 

Goro: ….No? Is it…supposed to have one?

 

Ryuji: YOUR CAR’S NAME IS NOW MINI COOPER-SENPAI

 

Akira: YEEEES MINI COOPER-SENPAI

 

Yuuki: HIS CAR’S A MINI COOPER? UgGGGGGGH FUCK ME

 

Yuuki: IM GONNA HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK AREN’T I?

 

Ryuji: bro….it’s okay……I’ll be back there with u………..

 

Yuuki: bro………

 

Ryuji: ANYWAY WE’RE GONNA REALLY GONNA HAVE US AN ADVENTURE THIS TIME.

 

Ryuji: GORO JUST PICK US ALL UP AND WE’LL FIGURE OUT WHERE WE’RE GOING WHEN WE’VE ALREADY HIT THE ROAD.

 

Goro: …..I’m not sure if that’s a particularly good idea

 

Ryuji: Dude. This is bois nite™. IT’S A NIGHT TO GO STUPID AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT WE’RE GONNA D OOOOO

 

Yuuki: YAAAAAS

 

Goro: Well, alright then. Mishima will you send me your address?

 

Yuuki: Nah it’s cool, I already started walking to Ryuji’s as soon as I heard we were having a bois nite™

 

Ryuji: He’s been here for like 15 minutes

 

Ryuji: (Insert a pic of Mishima sitting on the floor of ryuji's apartment. he's buried in his phone.)

 

Goro: Alright! I’ll pick Akira up first, then you two and then Yusuke

 

Goro: Is everyone alright with that?

 

Ryuji: LIT IT’S COOL

 

Goro: Akira please try to be ready by the time I get there (´･ᴗ･ ` )

 

Akira: AKECH ME OUTSIDE GORO HOW ABOUT T H A T

 

Goro: …..

 

Akira: hm, yeah, you know what? I deserve that.

 

Goro: On my way!

 

Akira: Hey, you don’t text and drive do you….

 

Akira: DO YOU?

 

Yusuke: He’s a cop, I’d hope he wouldn’t

 

Yusuke: but then again, since when does being a cop mean adhering to a specific and ethical moral code

 

Akira: Yusuke.... baby, just hold out until we get there..... AND PLEASE BE CAREFUL AND DO NOT CUT YOURSELF ON ALL THIS EDGE

 

Yusuke: it’s too late……society has cut me down to my core….

 

Akira: noooooooooOOO

 

Ryuji: Sorry to STEER (hehe) THE CONVERSATION BACK AND AVOID YUSUKE’S EXISTENTIAL DEPRESSION BUT

 

Ryuji: GORO WAS TEXTING WHILE PARKING YESTERDAY!!!!

 

Ryuji: That was dangerous

 

Yusuke: It was a nearly empty parking lot and there was no one around

 

Ryuji: it

 

Ryuji: was

 

Ryuji: still

 

Ryuji: dangerous

 

Yuuki: Honestly….I’ve always wondered…How is it even POSSIBLE to text and drive.

 

Yuuki: My dad’s been teaching me how to drive for a while and it’s like….I CAN’T EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO MY OWN MIRRORS……MUCH LESS A WHOLE ASS PHONE….

 

Akira: MOOD

 

Akira: Wait a minute how has ur dad been teaching u how to drive that’s illegal

 

Yuuki: uuuuhhhhhh

 

Akira: HELLO???? 911????????? I’M HERE TO REPORT A CRIME??

 

Yusuke: mishima you fool…..there has been a cop in the group chat all along………….he’ll be arresting you at any moment now…….

 

Yuuki: yoU’LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!

 

**Futaba Sakura has added Futaba Sakura to “FIVE BROS CHILLING IN A HOT TUB”**

 

Futaba: HEY BOIS, SO WHAT’RE WE DOING FOR BOIS NIGHT

 

Yusuke: !!!!

 

Futaba: INARIIIIIII!!!!

 

Ryuji: 1. It’s bois night™

 

Ryuji: 2. NO TUBS.

 

Futaba: Awwww COME ON!!!! I wanna come with!!!!

 

Futaba: Even IF u called me tubs u godless heathen

 

Ryuji: NO.

 

Ryuji: IT’S **B O I S** NITE™ TUBS.

 

Akira: Futaba, we just hung out with everyone yesterday you can’t miss us already

 

Futaba: WELL I DO

 

Futaba: I’M CLINGY, EMOTIONAL, STRESSED AND DEPRESSED

 

Futaba: I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU EXPECTED MORE FROM ME.

 

Ryuji: wow ur spitting out bars tho

 

Futaba: I swear, my mixtapes coming out by the end of the week

 

Yusuke: I mean I don’t see why she can’t come

 

Yusuke: we invited mishima

 

Akira: THAT’S DIFFERENT

 

Yuuki: heeeEEEEEYYYY.. 😠

 

Futaba: THE NPC GETS TO GO TO BOIS NITE AND I DON’T???

 

Futaba: DO MY LOYALTY AND FRIENDSHIP MEAN NOTHING TO U?

 

Ryuji: We can’t just start inviting the girl’s to bois nite™ because then bois nite™ is just going to be a normal hangout and it won’t be special anymore!!!

Ryuji: yOU CAN’T RUIN THE SANCTITY OF BOIS NITE™ FOR ME FUTABA. I ONLY HAVE SO MUCH LEFT TO LIVE FOR ON THIS WORTHLESS PLANET

 

Futaba: YOU’RE A BUTT RYUJI. A FULL SET OF CHEEKS.

 

Akira: you know what tubs

 

Akira: go ask sojiro to let you out after dark so you can drive around town with 5 of your male friends and no clear supervision

 

Futaba: ..... . ... . .... ... ...... .. . . . . . . ...

 

Futaba: okay yeah, you win this time akira……BUT LET IT BE KNOWN

 

Futaba: I A L W A Y S COME BACK.

 

Futaba: 

 

_Futaba Sakura has left the chat_

 

Akira: cough cough

 

Akira: whoa a smoke bomb

 

Yuuki: WHAT THE FUCK?

 

Yuuki: HOW DO YOU EVEN ADD YOURSELF TO A CHAT UR NOT IN?

 

Ryuji: That’s our hacker futaba

 

Ryuji: alias tubs

 

Ryuji: PLEASE call her tubs she loves it

 

Akira: she took down facebook’s database for two whole days because she didn’t like the mark zuckerburg movie

 

Akira: You met her that one time at the place while we were doing the thing

 

Yuuki: oh my god

 

Yuuki: it was HER.

 

Yuuki: SHE’S THE ONE WHO TOOK DOWN THE PHANSITE ISN’T SHE??????

 

Yuuki: A N S W E R M E.

 

Yuuki: add her back in…..I swear……I just wanna t a l k……

 

Ryuji: YUUKI SHE PUT IT BACK AFTER LIKE 2 SECONDS

 

Yuuki: TWO SECONDS IS ALL I NEEDED TO GO INTO MINOR CARDIAC ARREST

 

Yuuki: MY LITTLE BROTHER THOUGHT I WAS DYING

 

Ryuji: oh WALK IT OFF

 

Goro: Akira I’m outside Leblanc!

 

Akira: LITTY EHEHEHE

 

Akira: BOIS NITE™ BABY

 

Ryuji: EHEHEHEEEEEE

 

Goro: Also, no, I don’t text and drive! That’s why I haven’t been replying. Sorry if I missed anything.

 

Goro: And yes Ryuji you do have a point. I shouldn’t have been texting in the parking lot that day, I’ll try to refrain from doing so in the future.

 

Ryuji: Nah goro, it’s fine, I was just fuckin with y’all

 

Ryuji: I think if we left it up to you, you’d drive like an old lady….

 

Ryuji: and that is exactly why I’m telling you I don’t want you to drive below 4th gear tonight under any circumstances

 

Goro: Well, safety first! If I got pulled over it'd end up all over the news...I'd rather not have that on my record.

 

Ryuji: yeah unless we’re about to get pulled over or something that would be bad but like other than that

 

Ryuji: you’re gonna drive like mini cooper-senpai just got the starring role in tokyo drift 2

 

Akira: hey getting pulled over is nothing

 

Akira: my record’s way worse

 

Akira: I was expelled

 

Ryuji: oh yeah, he was expelled

 

Yuuki: OMG YEAH, he’s that kid who was expelled

 

Yusuke: the expelled kid

 

Goro: I’m assuming that has to do with your criminal record? That you still haven’t told me about?

 

Ryuji: oh what? he hasn’t told you about his double life as a werewolf?

 

Akira: Eh, I’ll tell u in the car on the way to pick up ryuji and mishima. It’s not that deep

 

Akira: Goro where tf are u?

 

Goro: On the street outside Leblanc. To the right

 

Akira: OOO I went to the left

 

Ryuji: ur so stupitt... .... how could u be so stupitt

 

Yuuki: ur literally the last person who has the right to call anyone stupitt

 

Ryuji: ur sitting right next to me… with the cheekiest little grin on ur face and I could just……strangle u .....so easily…..

 

Yusuke: kinky

 

Yuuki: SHUT UP UR JUST A FURRY AND UR IRRELEVANT.

 

Yusuke: I WILL NOT TAKE THESE SLANDEROUS ACCUSATIONS ANYMORE MISHIMA.

 

Akira: ANNNNNNND we’re on our way!

 

Akira: vroom vroom

 

Akira: I’m doing hand dolphins out the window

 

Akira: I wanna take a video but I have 0 space on my phone…….

 

Ryuji: maybe if you deleted some of ur stupid and oddly specific reaction pics you’d have more space

 

Akira:

 

Yuuki: oh GOD he sends those in group chats too?

 

Yusuke: unfortunately

 

 **Today** 6:32 PM

 

Akira: WE OUT HERE

 

Ryuji: yeeeeeSSSSSSSSS

 

Yuuki: BOIS NIIIIITEEEEEEEEEE™

 

Akira: Ryuji you don’t have to RUN DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS

 

Akira: you know I’m going to say this over text and I’m going to say it to u once u get in this car

 

Akira: you’re so stupid but I love you.

 

 **Today** 6:52 PM

 

Ryuji: YUSUKE GET DOWN HERE

 

Yusuke: omw!

 

* * *

 

 

**Thantom Phieves**

 

 **Today** 7:23 PM

Akira: (1st The first picture is extremely dark and blurry and unfocused but it's supposed to be ryuji running downstairs with mishima trailing behind him. The second picture is a dark blurry picture of vague figures in a car)

 

Akira: FIVE MEN

 

Akira: ONE CAT

 

Akira: ONE MINI COOPER

 

Akira: AND 4 HOURS BEFORE WE SHOULD ALL PROBABLY GO TO SLEEP FOR SCHOOL TOMORROW

 

Akira: TONIGHT ONLY…..BOYS NITE™ 2K19

 

Makoto: Oh god not another one

 

Futaba: UGH I HATE YOU GUYS U DON’T HAVE TO RUB IT INNNN….

 

Makoto: Don’t worry Futaba, we’ll start a girl’s night

 

Ann: Oh, hell yes!!! We can have A SLEEPOVER!!!

 

Haru: Oh!!!! I’ve actually never been to one before!!!!

 

Ann: SERIOUSLY?

 

Makoto: Me neither …

 

Futaba: Does accidentally sleeping in a leblanc booth count as a sleepover at akira’s?

 

Futaba: He didn’t know I was there but uh.... we technically slept in the same area????

 

Ann: OKAY YOU’RE ALL GODLESS.

 

Ann: AND WE ARE SO DOING THIS

 

Ann: Shiho’s coming to visit in 2 weeks and she was going to sleep over at my place anyway soooooo uhhhh LETS GO GIRLS

 

Makoto: Sounds good to me!!!

 

Haru: Ditto!!!

 

Ann:<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ophfy_X6g2Y>

 

Futaba: YeaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

 

Futaba: Sojiro trusts Makoto more than he trusts himself HE’LL TOTALLY LET ME GO TO GIRL’S NITE™

 

Futaba: o YEAH REMEMBER TO TRADEMARK IT SO THE BOYS DON’T STEAL IT!!!

 

Ann: HANDS OFF OUR GIRLS NITE™ COPYRIGHT POLICE!!!

 

Ryuji: Heyyyyyy STOP TALKING ABOUT GIRLS NITE™ WHILE WE’RE HAVING OUR BOIS NITE™

 

Ann: stoP SHOVING YOUR BOYS NITES™ IN OUR FACES THEN

 

Haru: Okay but at least he respected the copyright

 

Ryuji: It wasn’t for u. I’m just scared of the copyright police

 

Ryuji: OOP BRB GORO JUST HIT 69 MILES AN HOUR WE GOTTA CELEBRATE

 

Makoto: GORO WENT TO BOIS NITE™?

* * *

 

 

**Goro-epidemic 2k19**

 

 **Today** 7:52 PM

Haru: MAKOTO

 

Makoto: HARU I’M SO SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN TO IT JUST SLIPPED OUT

 

Ann: ONE OF US!!! ONE OF US!!!!!!

 

Makoto: I’M SO SORRY PLEASE

 

Haru: makoto you were the last one…..the only one I still trusted…..

 

Akira:

 

Makoto: AKIRA. NO. GO BACK TO YOUR BOIS NITE™

 

Akira: nahhhhhhh

 

Makoto: No but seriously, Akechi got invited to your bois nite™?

 

Haru: it’s too late to fix it makoto u already slipped……

 

Makoto: PLEASE, HARU I’M SORRY

 

Akira: Yea

 

Akira: he’s a boi

 

Futaba: A MURDERboi !!!

 

Ann: worst boi! D:<

 

Akira: Chill, don’t worry, he’s not gonna do anything with Mishima here

 

Makoto: Oh god you invited Mishima too?

 

Akira: And we've just been driving around in mini cooper senpai

 

Ann: How low IS the bar for these bois nites? Y’all gonna invite Haru’s ex next??

 

Akira: Yeah.

 

Akira: and then we’re gonna run him over

 

Akira: vroom vroom bitch

 

Haru: mmmmmmmm I hate him so much :33333 and I hate saying I hate someone but MMMMM that is really the only word to describe it!!! :333333333333

 

Makoto: No but it’s okay Haru because FUCK THAT GUY

 

Haru: Oh, but Yuuki!!

 

Haru: I owe him lunch!

 

Haru: Someone remind me about that tomorrow

 

Akira: Hey Haru u owe mishima lunch

 

Haru: wow thank you for the reminder akira („• ֊ •„)

 

Futaba: KAOMOJI? BOI SHE’S GONNA MURDER YOU TOO

 

Akira: FINALLY

 

Futaba: no but really!!! Be safe plz!!! P L Z!!!

 

Akira: Don’t worry tubs

 

Futaba: NEVERMIND.

 

Makoto: Honestly Futaba, tubs isn’t even funny anymore. I’m pretty sure they’re just doing it to get a rise out of you

 

Futaba: YEAH BUT I CAN’T JUST LET THEM DO IT EITHER.

 

Futaba: I have my honor to protect Makoto!!!!

Ann: but….do you?

 

Futaba: Ugggh U GUYS ARE BULLYING ME

 

Futaba: 911??

 

Ann: YOU CAN’T CALL 911 FOR NON-EMERGENCIES!

 

Ann: NOW UR GOING TO BE ARRESTED!

 

Futaba: U’LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE

 

Futaba:

****

 

Akira: cough cough

 

Akira: god all this second-hand smoke is going to be bad for my health

 

* * *

 

 

**Thantom Phieves**

 

 

 **Today** 10:52 PM

Akira: (He has decide to grace the general groupchat with all the pictures he took during bois nite™. The 1st pic is another blurry dark car selfie where you can't even see who is who. The 2nd pic is of Ryuji Naruto running in the dark through a park. The 3rd pic is Akechi driving while wearing a pair of sunglasses and making a sick turn. The 4th pic is yusuke hugging a dominos pizza. The 5th pic is mishima carrying 5 24 pack boxes of instant ramen and Morgana is sitting on top of them, meowing triumphantly. The 6th pic is the top of Akira's head at leblanc. The 7th pic is the only one that can be considered "nice." It’s the boys in Leblanc's basement. They're all in their undershirts (as akira has pulled out his heating device) and they’re sitting in a circle, surrounded by various blankets, pillows. They are also surrounded by pizza boxes and instant ramen...)

 

Akira: tonight we forwent being bois…..and became men…….

 

Ann: "forwent"

 

Futaba: Does this mean it’s men's nite™ now?

 

Akira: fuck no

 

Ryuji: that’s disgusting tubs get that shit outta my face

 

Futaba: hNNNGGGGH

 

* * *

  

**Goro Akechi**

 

 **Today** 11:32 PM

Akira: hey

 

Goro: oh, hello Akira~

 

Akira: i can’t sleep

 

Akira: I’m guessing u can’t either?

 

Goro: Yes, but that’s really nothing new

 

Akira: Not a good sleeper?

 

Goro: No, I never have been.

 

Akira: hm

 

Akira: I don’t envy you. I love sleeping

 

Akira: And usually I'm out like a light

 

Akira: But idk, not tonight

 

Akira: I guess you guys all gave me a lot to think about

 

Goro: I have to admit. I didn’t think we’d get quite so personal towards the end there.

 

Akira: I like it tho! I got to know u guys better.

 

Akira: I didn’t really think you’d join in tbh

 

Goro: Yes, I surprised myself too.

 

Goro: I’ve never actually told anyone about any of that

 

Akira: Did they really treat you like that?

 

Goro: yes, unfortunately.

 

Akira: You were just a kid though….

 

Goro: that didn’t matter to them.

 

Goro: It’s all in the past anyway, don’t worry about it. There’s nothing we can do.

 

Akira: our pasts can still hurt us tho.

 

Akira: when I first moved here, for the longest time I’d get this awful pain in my chest every time I woke up because I kept hoping this was all like a nightmare or something.

 

Akira: and i’d wake up and I’d keep my eyes closed and I just hoped that when I opened them I’d be at home and I’d still have my old friends and my old school and my old life... but then, when I finally opened my eyes all I’d see was leblanc’s dusty ass ceiling. And I had to face the fact that no, I wasn’t honors student akira kurusu and I was probably never going to be him again. I was akira kurusu the criminal and I was alone.

 

Akira: and sure, I’m not alone anymore but even just remembering those days brings back that same old pain in my chest and I’m like “oh yeah. this old thing still hurts”

 

Goro: But that’s exactly it. You’re not alone anymore. You didn’t know a single person in Tokyo before you arrived and now you’ve got more connections than you know what to do with.

 

Goro: How’d you even manage it?

 

Akira: idk i didn’t wanna stew in those feelings cause all they did was hurt me u know? So I used that pain to motivate me and just like... change my reality.

 

Akira: I was alone but I didn’t have to be.

 

Akira: I reached out to people and plenty of them smacked me away but I just kept trying.

 

Akira: my life isn’t decided for me. life is what I make of it.

 

Goro: I see...

 

Akira: aaaaaaaAAAAA i’m sorry goro I made this about me and shit and I was asking about you and ur shit

 

Akira: bleeeeeh

 

Akira: what was IN that instant ramen???? I’m all emotional and shit

 

Goro: Maybe the government laced it with truth serum?

 

Akira: oooo nooooooooo

 

Akira: goro idk if you know this but I am….a phantom thief

 

Goro: oh my, what a surprise I had no idea

 

Akira: it’s true….I’m so s orry……

 

Goro: Akira, can I be honest with you?

 

Akira: shoot

 

Goro: I’m jealous of you.

 

Akira: oh???

 

Goro: you’re so free…. Everything you do is your own decision. Then, when life throws you a curveball, you still manage to hit a home run. No matter what the world throws your way you dodge it so seamlessly...

 

Goro: I’ve never had much luck escaping my fate. Everything I do has always seemed to lead me back to it.

 

Akira: ayeeee, but the game’s not over yet!!

 

Akira; who knows?

 

Akira: besides wtf even is “fate” that shit’s not real. We choose our own paths

 

Goro: I wish I could see it that way.

 

Goro: if we had met earlier, do you think we would have been friends?

 

Akira: we’re friends right now, so why does it matter when we met?

 

Akira: I was SUUUUPER boring when I was younger tho

 

Goro: Coincidentally, I was a bit wilder…Maybe we’d have balanced each other out!

 

Akira: okay WHAT, I’ve GOT to hear some of these wild child stories.

 

Goro: Another time. You’ve heard enough about my past tonight.

 

Akira: mmmm that’s fair.

 

Akira: but goro you know you can talk to me, right? about anything?

 

Akira: no matter what it is, if you need help I’m here for you. All of us are.

 

Goro: thank you, I’ll keep that in mind akira

 

Goro: Thanks again for inviting me, it was a lot of fun!

 

Akira: of course, thank you for coming!

 

Goro: Good night Akira

 

Akira: good night goro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED THIS CHAPTER'S SPECIAL GUEST!!! YUUKI "MOONMOON"  
> MISHIMA!! If there's the demand for it I might do another bois night or bring him back in another way but for right now, this is all I have planned for him.
> 
> But also.....I swear....I was SHADING the drawings for this chapter....I was almost done!!!! And then my parents surprised my family and I with a last minute trip to VIRGINIA. I'm uploading this in a car while crossing a state line.
> 
> As always, let me know what you think in the comments! Your comments really keep me going y'all and I'll see you soon for the next update :D 
> 
> P.S: If you enjoyed this, you might enjoy another fic I'm working on. It's an Akeshu fic called "I Dig You <3" and the concept is basically "we were best friends on minecraft as kids and now we've matched on tinder as adults. It's also a chatfic, so if you enjoy that style you might like this too!


	7. Goro Akechi???? More like BORO AKECHI AMIRIGHT???

**Goro Akechi???? More like BORO AKECHI AMIRIGHT???**

 

 **Today** 2:13 AM

Ryuji: hey yusuke how much do I have to pay you to resend your sonic forces essay to thantom phieves

 

Yusuke: for you ryuji? Free of charge.

 

Ryuji: b a b e

 

Ryuji: guys plz act like you haven’t seen it before. I need to see akechi’s reaction.

 

Futaba: oh my god YES!!!!

 

Futaba: Akechi gonna be like

 

Futaba: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZB0fDrpmKTg>

* * *

**Thantom Phieves**

 

 **Today** 2:20 AM

Yusuke: hello everyone

 

Yusuke:

this is how I believe the game sonic forces could have been good. in the first cut scene rogue the bat says that "they've been torturing [sonic] for months up there" but when we see him he's still behaving like his usual self.  but what if that wasn't the case? what if when the protagonist finds sonic, instead of finding a rebellious, healthy sonic. He finds a passed out, broken, bloody mess in the corner of a cell. The protagonist has to escape carrying Sonic's body bridal style, protecting him from all the attacking robots and even when he's back on their military base, sonic doesn't fully wake up for another day or two. everyone’s speaking in hushed whispers about how they heard the doctors saying he might not make it. they don’t want it to be true, but they must be prepared if it does. sonic the hedgehog is not the first casualty of this war and he certainly will not be the last. Thankfully his condition slowly starts to improve and after about a week of recovery he’s finally fully lucid and while he's relieved to be back amongst his friends where he's safe, he's nowhere near strong enough to help them. I’ve been considering having his legs be broken since his ability to “go fast” is what’s most important to him but it seems a bit cliché. sonic's not the same as he once was and the person who's upset the most by it is sonic himself. His friends know he's only a mortal hedgehog and that he needs time to process and overcome his trauma but sonic himself refuses to see it that way. He sees the same world he's saved a billion times in danger yet again. he knows it needs him to save it because it’s always needed HIM. But he just can't anymore. He jumps at loud noises, he's scared in one location for too long but he’s still incapacitated to the point where he can't do any missions or fieldwork. He hasn't been comfortable being touched since he got back and his usual joking nature is subdued, the jokes he does say usually seem forced. his friends only laugh to support him. he’s upset. he thinks he's a loser but then the protagonist comes back from a mission to and speaks to him. The protagonist is the customizable main character in the game and while i do advocate for artistic expression, I feel as though a customizable format that individuals can abuse would harm the meaning of the story. So in this version, the protagonist is named rookie and is an actually fleshed out character and not fully customizable. She's a young animal of the player’s choosing and she grew up having her world and her life saved time and time again by the amazing sonic the hedgehog. Her entire town admired him so much before it was destroyed and she admits -sheepishly- that when she was little she always wished she could meet him. so she thanks him for being such an inspiration all these years. Sonic doesn't even know what to say. He's felt so washed up and scared and useless -especially with his younger self running around- and here is this young girl thanking him for simply existing. He wants to be upset or mad but he can't find it in himself and instead, to distract himself, he asks rookie about her next mission. She tells him and he helps her plan out the best route of entry. They get earpieces so they can talk to each other while she's out in the field and he can guide her. This isn't for long though, as with this new-found inspiration, Sonic is soon healthy enough to go on missions of his own once more. And while he still isn't back to his old self (and he probably never will be) his work when paired up with rookie ends up being the forces' best team. i’m not sure whether I want Rookie and Sonic to have a father/daughter dynamic to their relationship or just leave it as a best friendship. 

Yusuke: thank you.

* * *

 

 

Ryuji: god damn…. every time I see it ….it just brings a tear to my eye……

 

Yusuke: you’re welcome.

 

Ryuji: I still think it’d be better if they had a father/daughter relationship like…we’ve never even seen that in a sonic game…..

 

Futaba: this is chao garden erasure

 

Ryuji: -Friendly reminder that I’ve never played the sonic adventure games because I don’t hate myself-

 

Futaba: FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT YOU’RE AWFUL AND WRONG AND A BITCH SO WHO CARES ABOUT UR OPINION A N Y W A Y ?????

 

Futaba: Anyway, idk about a father/daughter dynamic. That leans into a mentor/mentee dynamic and yusuke….. I’m sorry but….

 

Futaba: if you add a mentor/mentee dynamic to this, I think it would just be the plot of cars 3

 

Ryuji: Sonic Unleashed > Sonic Adventure 2

 

Futaba: NOW THAT’S JUST COMPLETELY INCORRECT

 

Yusuke: sonic unleashed does have one of the strongest storylines in the sonic universe….

 

Futaba: BUT THE GAMEPLAY IS-

 

Futaba: AND CHIP IS JUST-

 

Futaba: THEY UNIRONICALLY SAY THE WORDS “W E R E H O G” DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING STUPID-

 

Futaba: AAAAAA

 

Futaba: Okay look, I understand.

 

Futaba: You’re all allowed to be wrong that’s fine.

 

Futaba: but I’m going to count to three and we’re all going to agree on which sonic game is the worst okay?

 

Futaba: 1

 

Futaba: 2

 

Futaba: 3

 

Ryuji: prbly lost world

 

Yusuke: Sonic lost world

 

Futaba: SONIC FU C K I N G LOST WORLD YES!!!!! GOD THAT GAME WAS A HOT STEAMING PILE OF SHIIIIIIIIT

 

Ryuji: F OR R E A L

 

Ryuji: UNINSPIRED PIECE OF HUNKY DORY DICK.

 

Yusuke: sonic 06 and shadow the hedgehog tried to do something different and original. They are at least commended for that. Sonic Lost world didn’t try to do anything at all. It just came into this world, made absolutely no impact and departed

 

Futaba:

 

Futaba: this is what my sleep paralysis demon looks like.

 

Yusuke: I know I’m backtracking a bit, but pixar actually went through with making a third cars movie?

 

Futaba: Sadly, yes.

 

Yusuke: such a shame. The second one was bad enough.

 

Ryuji: CARS ROCKS THO

 

Ryuji: But just the first one

 

Ryuji: The second one makes car jesus canon so idk how I feel about that

 

Yusuke: …don’t like that…..

 

Futaba: I mean……Cars is o k a y…..

 

Ryuji: never speak to me or my anthropomorphic vehicles EVER AGAIN

 

Futaba: GOOD. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO.

 

Ryuji: FINE

 

Futaba: FINE

 

 

 **Today** 4:12 AM

Futaba: ily ryuji I’m sorry

 

Ryuji: ily tubs

 

Futaba: -that you exist

 

Futaba: *I’m sorry that you exist.

 

 

 **Today** 5:15 AM

Haru: I wake up to water my begonias and I have the absolute…delight of finding Yusuke’s entire thesis on sonic forces resent once again in our thantom phieves group chat

 

Haru: who hurt all of you?

 

Yusuke: society.

 

Haru: Understandable, I’ll let it slide this time.

* * *

 **Today** 5:19 AM

Haru: Oh, how insightful!

* * *

 

Haru: There, I made my contribution.

 

Haru: Now I’m going to go water my flowers and pretend I never met any of you

 

Futaba: that’s fair.

 

Yusuke: how is she so articulate so early in the morning….

 

Futaba: idk why tf are you using words like articulate at 5 in the buttfuck morning?

 

Futaba: ur calling the kettle black sir.

 

Makoto: i hate all of you.

 

Yusuke: good morning makoto

 

Makoto: get that shit out of my face yusuke.

 

Makoto: it was bad enough seeing it the first time

 

Makoto: i remember it took me the entire ride to school to read and i still had no idea what the fuck you were talking about

 

Makoto: and now…. seeing it for the second time……

 

Makoto: i still have no fucking clue.

 

Futaba: mom have u had ur morning coffee?

 

Makoto: i’m still making it.

 

Futaba: okay just…..put the phone down for now….

 

Makoto: fuck you

* * *

Makoto: fuck you

* * *

 

_Makoto Nijima has left Goro Akechi???? More like BORO AKECHI AMIRIGHT???_

 

Yusuke: ….well I don’t know what else I could have expected

 

Futaba: remind me to add her back later

 

Yusuke: futaba.... i have to ask….when exactly do you sleep?

 

Futaba: I go to sleep @ 8 AM and then wake up around 3 so I can hang out with you guys after school.

 

Futaba: why?

 

Yusuke: oh uh….no reason. I was just curious is all.

 

Ann: HI GM FUTABA THAT’S FUCKING INSANE

 

Yusuke: well if people are going to start yelling this early in the morning, I’m off to class.

 

Futaba: NO!!!!! I’M JUST NOCTURNAL!!!

 

Ann: Ur A HUMAN BEING

 

Ann: NOT A FUCKING HAMSTER

 

Akira: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ew6VhePf0tA>

 

Futaba: ST OPPPPPPP UR BULLYING ME!!

* * *

  Akira: okay but I would play this

* * *

 

 

Ann: I’m telling Sojiro

 

Futaba: nOOOOOOOOO O

 

Akira: No guys it’s okay

 

Akira: look

 

Akira:

 

 

Futaba: surprise, I’ve just been a member of the g-force the entire time

 

Ann: JUST QUIT YOUR TOM FUCKERY FOR FIVE SECONDS

 

Akira: THE G-FORCE WERE GERBILS.

 

Akira: THAT’S WHY THEY’RE CALLED THE G-FORCE

 

Futaba: wait WHAT

 

Akira: they’re not the fucking h-force

 

Akira: u stupid dumb idiot

 

Ann: Futaba that’s not gonna be good when you start school next year!

 

Futaba: FUCK U UR NOT EVEN MY REAL MOM

 

Ann: I KNOW, UGH

 

Ann: But fun wine aunty ann has to step up to the plate when momkoto and haru disown all of u

 

Futaba: but HEY having a fucked-up sleep schedule works well enough for ryuji and he’s doing FINE

 

Ann: He’s failing every class

 

Ann: including PE

 

Futaba: HE’S FINE

 

Futaba: And besides YUSUKE ALSO DOESN’T SLEEP!

 

Ann: yusuke drinks paint water because he thinks it brings him closer to Vincent van Gogh

 

Futaba: DON’T KIN SHAME YUSUKE

 

Ann: YOU CAN’T KIN AN ACTUAL HISTORICAL FIGURE?

 

Futaba: oh ann…… you naïve fool…..

 

Haru: Well, my plants are all watered, my tea is boiling and I feel ready enough to deal with all of you!

 

Haru: How is everyone?

 

Ann: Futaba’s a nocturnal bAT

 

Futaba: ANN’S A TERRIBLE MOTHER

 

Yusuke: I’m Vincent van gogh kin apparently

 

Akira:

 

Futaba: hahaHAHA G-FORCE KIN

 

Ann: AREN’T YOU IN CLASS YUSUKE???

 

Haru: Oh my

 

Haru: Well Tubs you do have plenty of time before school starts so don’t worry about it too much

 

Futaba: hngh

 

Futaba: i don’t wanna talk about school rn

 

Haru: Do you want to come over after school today Futaba?

 

Futaba: AH

 

Futaba: yES!

 

Haru: I do have to work in Shujin’s garden though so maybe you can meet me there? You can help me out with our vegetables!

 

Akira: are you growing carrots again?

 

Haru: Yes!

 

Akira: awesome.

 

Akira: i'm gonna deep throat one

 

Ryuji: yuuki is gonna be SO jealous

 

Ann: there is NO WAY u can deep throat an ENTIRE CARROT AKIRA

 

Akira: BET

 

Haru: Futaba if you can't come it's okay!

 

Futaba: no, I can!!! I’ll see u there I promise!

 

Haru: Thank u tubs!!

 

Futaba: >:/

 

Futaba: just bc ur being niCE DOES NOT MEAN U CAN CALL ME TUBS

 

Akira: I can meet you in the subway when you get there and walk you to shujin?

 

Futaba: maybe…I wanna do this alone but I’ll let you guys know

 

Haru: I’m proud of you but just remember if you need help you can count on us!

 

Haru: OH, can one of you put Makoto back in?

 

Akira: R u both in class already?

 

Haru: Unfortunately :3

 

Akira: :3

 

Haru: don’t mock me kurusu.

 

_Akira Kurusu has added Makoto Nijima to Goro Akechi???? More like BORO AKECHI AMIRIGHT???_

 

Makoto: I’m just a masochist at this point

 

Yusuke: kinky

 

Makoto: GO BACK TO CLASS YUSUKE.

* * *

  Goro: Good morning everyone!

* * *

 

 

Futaba: *grabs popcorn*

 

* * *

 Goro: This is a really great idea Yusuke!

 

Goro: I’m not too familiar with the original plot of Sonic Forces but I’m sure this is a solid improvement!

* * *

 

 

Futaba: Oh god do we have to kick him out of the PT’s for not knowing anything about sonic

 

Ann: There are 40 other BETTER reasons to kick him out tho????

 

Haru: I don’t know anything about Sonic

 

Akira:

 

Akira: nintendork for life tho

 

Akira: I should’ve brought my wii u with me to tokyo

 

Akira: my Mario maker levels were fuckin GREAT

 

Futaba: oh GOD give me your username, I’m looking them up you fucking demon.

 

Akira: it’s kOwOsu

 

Futaba: ………………. .. . . . . . . . i-

 

Makoto: you all just say words and I don’t know what they mean

 

Akira: Makoto “What is an XBOX?” Nijima

 

Makoto: Okay I KNOW WHAT AN XBOX IS AKIRA

 

Akira:

 

Akira: which one is the 360

 

Futaba: jesus Christ kOwOsu be kind to mother

 

Makoto: ….ummmmm

 

Akira: WHICH ONE

 

Makoto: gtg class is starting

 

Akira: CLASS DOESN’T START FOR ANOTHER 30 MINUTES

_Makoto Nijima has left Goro Akechi???? More like BORO AKECHI AMIRIGHT???_

 

Haru: she’s pale as a sheet right now and frantically googling xbox consoles

 

Haru: oh she’s also doing her dailies on webkinz in another tab

 

Akira: beautiful.

* * *

 Goro: However, as much as I like the concept itself, I think the Sonic Team in its current state is ill-equipped to deal with such a mature story -especially considering the character of Sonic and his current state. I can count on one hand all the times the Sega team has attempted to tell a more serious story and nearly every time it has been ill-received because of Sonic’s fatal character flaw. Sonic as a hero is _always_ supposed to be the “cool” one. He was made to directly combat Mario and be Sega’s “cooler” mascot. It works well enough for younger audiences but the thing about that is that the term “cool” is subjective. What’s cool changes and varies throughout the different demographics so while your story definably appeals to an older audience due to the fact that we get to see a different, more human side to sonic… The sad truth is that the sonic team does not make their games for older fans. They make games for their younger fans and by the time those younger fans grow up, the Sonic Team is already indoctrinating another generation of gamers. 

* * *

 

Akira: oh

 

Akira: OH MY GOD

 

Ann: KJENFKJENKEJNFCKNERFVBNR

 

Akira: OH M GOD

 

Ann: FNJRNFVKRJNVKJN

 

Akira: YUSUKE GET THE FUCK IN HERE

 

Futaba: AHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Haru: Makoto just slammed her head down on her desk.

 

Akira: GOD. I LOVE MY LIFE SOMETIMES

 

Haru: I’m about to do the same.

 

Ann: THERE HE IS. THAT’S A FUCKING MURDERER’S HOT TAKE ON THE SONIC FRANCHISE

 

Ann: JUST IN CASE U WANTED IT OR SOMETHING

 

Futaba: ahAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA

 

Ann: GOD JUST STRIKE ME DOWN WHERE I STAND PLEASE

 

Yusuke: before fingers are pointed at me, I’d like to point out I only resent the initial essay because ryuji asked me to

 

Ann: SO YOU’RE THE GUN AND RYUJI’S THE ONE WHO PULLED THE TRIGGER??

 

Ann: BEAUTIFUL.

 

Haru: Wait where is Ryuji

 

Akira: Idk isn’t he with u Ann?

 

Ann: ….no he’s not?

 

Akira: OH, SHIT HE PRBLY OVERSLEPT

 

Futaba: Just checked his phone and all 12 of his alarms are still ringing

 

Futaba: he definably overslept.

 

Haru: 12? O deer

 

Ann: I have 16

 

Ann: We don’t all have a butler who wakes us up at the ASS CRACK OF DAWN TO WATER OUR PETUNIAS

 

Akira:

 

Haru: My butler is practically family he doesn’t mind!!!

 

Akira: u know, morgana is a tuxedo cat

 

Akira: like he’s wearing a little tux already he can be my butler

 

Haru: Point aside, can someone please call Ryuji and make sure he’ll make it to school on time?

 

Ann: I’ve got it

 

Ann: I’ll just spam him with my william turner head canons

 

Ann: okay but this is what he gets for playing miNECRAFT ALL NIGHT

 

Futaba: Hey but I checked our realm and he expanded the farm!!!

 

Ann: YOU CAN’T GET A HIGH SCHOOL DEGREE IN MINECRAFT TUBS

 

Futaba: NOW I’M GOING TO GET A DEGREE IN MINECRAFT JUST TO SPITE U.

 

Akira: update: morgana said he’ll scratch my eyes out if I call him a butler ever again so no, sorry Haru I can’t relate to u

* * *

  Yusuke: I didn’t know you were a fan of the franchise Goro

 

Goro: I am actually! Sonic meant a lot to me as a child.

 

Goro: I never played any of the games myself but I watched the anime and I’d sit in the library and watch let’s plays

* * *

 

 

Ann: but why …..does that sound so adorably endearing…….

 

Ann: GOD WHY DOES HE HAVE TO SUCK

 

Akira: just picture it….a lil mini goro in a lil mini sweater vest…..

* * *

 

 Yusuke: What’s your favorite game?

 

Goro: Sonic Mania! It’s the only game I’ve actually been able to play

 

Futaba: OH MANIA’S GOOD

 

Futaba: It was made completely by fans of the genesis originals tho so the ofc the quality is AMAZING

 

Futaba: PSH trust me, you weren’t missing much before

 

Goro: I’ve heard (╯︵╰,)

* * *

 

 

Akira: oh god they’re back

 

* * *

 

Futaba: okay but….this is important….

 

Futaba: I’m assuming mania is ur fave cause of gameplay right? so what’s ur fave story….and what’s ur least favorite game overall

 

Goro: This might sound a bit silly…But if you’ll indulge me…

 

Goro: Sonic and the Black Knight is probably my favorite story-based sonic game

* * *

 

 

Futaba: NOBODY EVER HAS EVER SAID THAT EVER WHAT THE F U C K

 

Yusuke: I’ll admit. I’m intrigued.

* * *

  Yusuke: may I ask why?

* * *

 

 

Ryuj: HELLO W H A T  IS HAPPENING??

 

Futaba: GORO AKECHI JUST SAID HIS FAVORITE SONIC GAME IS SONIC AND THE BLACK KNIGHT

 

Ryuji: aaaaaaand i’m going back to sleep.

 

Futaba: NO WAKE THE FUCK UP

 

Futaba: YOU DID THIS NOW YOU DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF UR ACTIONS

 

Akira: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5d42w4ZcY4>

 

Ann: I’ve only played two sonic games and even I know that one’s just ASS

 

Futaba:

 

Futaba: I GOT AN IDEA GUYS what if we…..make like…….sonic ……as a knight……knights are cool……….kids like knights……..r i g h t b a r b r a ???

* * *

 

 Goro: The story’s just so ridiculous I can’t help but laugh.

 

Goro: It’s great stress relief.

* * *

 

 

Futaba: oh thank GOD he likes it for the same reasons everyone else does

 

Yusuke: well that’s disappointing

 

Yusuke: I was hoping for an actual discussion

 

Ryuji: yusuke….the thing is….. like……I don’t think anyone over the age of 10 has ever been able to enjoy that game unironically

 

Haru: Ryuji, may I remind you that you’ve only got 15 minutes to get to class  

 

Ann: GET TO FUCKING CLASS ALREADY BEFORE I TEXT MAKOTO AND TELL HER YOU’RE STILL SITTING AT HOME DISCUSSING THE INTRICACIES OF THE FUCKING S O N I C F R A N C HI S E

 

Ryuji: AA A A A A A A fuck

 

Ann: SPRINT RUNNER BOI

 

_Futaba Sakura has added Makoto Nijima to Goro Akechi???? More like BORO AKECHI AMIRIGHT???_

 

Futaba: FUCK I DIDN’T ADD HER IN FAST ENOUGH

 

Makoto: …..

 

Makoto: I see the incoming message bubble and I just want you to know that whatever it is, I don’t want to hear it.

 

Makoto: stop typing I’m fucking serious

 

Makoto: thank you.

  

* * *

 

Goro: As for my least favorite game, it’s hard because there are a few I’ve never gotten the chance to watch but….

 

Goro: Sonic Lost World was the only play through I was never able to finish

 

Goro: It’s a perfect display of the problem I mentioned earlier. The Modern Sonic Team is incapable of handling more mature story elements because they’re unwilling to do so at the loss of their younger players.

* * *

 

 

Futaba: guys I hate to say this but Akechi might be valid

 

Yusuke: indeed

 

Makoto: YUSUKE AREN’T YOU IN CLASS

 

Yusuke: yes

 

Makoto: SHUT THE FUCK UP

 

Makoto: GOD you’re all going to be the end of me.

 

Akira: HEY YOU CHOSE THIS

 

Makoto: I JUST WANTED TO STOP AN ASSHOLE HARRASSING STUDENTS I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF .....THIS 

 

Akira: package deal baby ;)

* * *

 

 **Today** 2:31 PM

 Futaba: yo goro

 

Futaba: u mentioned you played sonic mania earlier

 

Futaba: do u have a switch

 

Goro: Yes, I do!

* * *

 

 **Today** 2:43 PM 

Futaba: I’M GOING TO STEAL HIS SWITCH

 

Ryuji: spoken like a true thief  :’)

 

Akira: Futaba if u want a switch I can get u a switch u don’t have to steal goro’s

 

Makoto: …. Isn’t all that extra money you earn supposed to be going towards supplies for our missions?

 

Akira: I BREAK MY BACK TO SUPPORT THIS FAMILY I CAN SPEND THE MONEY ON WHATEVER I WANT

 

Akira: FOUR PART TIME JOBS AND PERFECT GRADES

 

Akira: I BARELY HAVE TIME TO TAKE A SHIT MAKOTO

 

Makoto: Aren’t you in class?

 

Akira: AREN’T Y O U IN CLASS?

 

Makoto: ……..

 

Futaba: guys mommy and daddy are fighting againnnn…..

 

Makoto: ),:

 

Futaba: GUYS DADDY MADE MOMMY CRY

 

Ryuji: daddy what the fuck

 

Akira: ryuji please never say that again

 

Futaba: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsuY9lHxg88>

* * *

 

 Futaba: can I…..borrow your switch?

 

Akira: Futaba I can rlly just GET u a switch u don’t have to take goro’s

 

Makoto: THAT IS AN IRRESPONSIBLE USE OF COMMUNAL FUNDS AKIRA

 

Akira: they ain’t communal

 

Akira: THEY MINE

 

Akira: Y’ALL PICK UP SOME PART TIME JOBS AND THEN YOU CAN TELL ME HOW TO USE OUR GROUP FUNDS

 

Akira: U know what, screw u guys

 

Akira: I’m gonna go buy a switch right NOW

 

Akira: MARIO MAKER TWO’S COMING OUT AND I fucking WANT IT.

 

Makoto: FINE. DON’T BUY MEDICINE AND JUST KILL US ALL.

 

Akira: fina l l y……you’ve uncovered the evil p l a n I’VE HAD ALL ALONG ….

 

Mskoto: OH, PLEASE AS IF YOU COULD PLAN THAT FAR AHEAD ANYWAY

 

Goro: I’m sorry to interrupt the familial dispute going on right now but yes you can!

 

Goro: I barely have time to play on it anyway. I’m too busy

 

Futaba: YAY

 

Futaba: THANKS BUD

* * *

 

 Futaba: i’m going to delete all his save files hehehehehehe

 

Ryuji: “Thanks bud”

 

Futaba: SHUT UP HE’S LENDING ME HIS SWITCH

 

Futaba: AND HE DOESN’T CALL ME FUCKING TUBS SO

 

Futaba: HE’S EARNED THE RIGHT

 

Futaba: FOR NOW

 

 **Today** 3:00 PM 

Futaba: Okay Haru I’m on my way!! 

 

Haru: Alright!!!

 

Haru: I’m so excited to see you Tubs it’s been a while since we've had some one on one girl time

 

Futaba: Oh no wait never mind ….I suddenly caught the flu…… I can’t m a k e i t

 

Haru: *Futaba

 

Futaba: wow, I’m suddenly better.

 

Akira: You want me to wait for you at Aoyama Futaba?

 

Futaba: no I’m okay so far!! I’m at yogen rn

 

Akira: ALRIGHT!!!! YEAH!!!

 

Futaba: Sojiro almost closed shop just to come with me but I made him stay behind because I am A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DON’T NEED NO BEAN DAD.

 

Ann: we all kind of need bean dad tho

 

Futaba: true

 

Haru: But that’s really good futaba! I’ll see you soon!!

 

Ryuji: Okay yo Akira are we still hitting up the gym?

 

Akira: oh HELL YEAH

 

Ryuji: BIG GAINZ BABY

 

Akira: P R O T I E N

 

Ann: Are y’all still speaking japanese?

 

Makoto: Unfortunately

 

Ann: Btdubs if anybody wants to come to my shoot with me and glare at mika the whole time……..

 

Ann: you’re more than welcome tooooooooooo….

 

Makoto: Sorry Ann, I’m feeling a pop quiz on the horizon…..

 

Ryuji: that is the fakest excuse I have ever heard

 

Haru: No, it’s true! Makoto has correctly predicted the date of 5 out of 6 pop quizzes we’ve had this past year!

 

Makoto: The one I missed was while all that shit with Kaneshiro was going down….

 

Yusuke: correct me if I’m wrong but was that the day you punched through a metal wall and then cried in a safe room?

 

Makoto: …..probably

 

Haru: Should I study for it Mako?

 

Makoto: The answer to that is literally always yes.

 

Haru: Hm, okay.

 

Haru: maybe later.

 

Ryuji: y’all hear that?

 

Ryuji: It’s like …. Every nerd screamed at once and was suddenly silenced

 

Makoto: shut your MOUTH SAKAMOTO

 

Ann: btw @ whoever comes with me, we can get ice cream afterrrrrr…..

 

Akira: oh, HEY RYUJI THAT’S FROM STAR WARS

 

Ryuji: YES???? WHO TF FINALLY SHOWED YOU STAR WARS?

 

Akira: I told Goro I hadn't seen them and he showed up 20 minutes later in his pajamas with three Blu-rays in hand

 

Ryuji: oh my god goro WOULD have them on bluray

 

Akira: He said we’re watching the prequels next time

 

Ryuji: ooooooH FUCK LMK WHEN

 

Ryuji: I LOVE LAUGHING AT HOW BAD THEY ARE

 

Akira: (he said they were his favorites)

Ryuji: Wow I can’t believe we have to cancel Akechi

 

Makoto: Hasn’t he BEEN canceled?

 

Ryuji: at this point, whether or not goro akechi is canceled depends on how much we hate akira at the moment

 

Ryuji: and I consistently hate akira

 

Akira: babe……….. ),:

 

Ryuji: don’t use ur fucking puppy dog eyes on me u know what u did

 

Akira: I’M SORRY I FORGOT THE GATORADE OKAY!! G O D

 

Ryuji: no you AREN’T CAUSE IF U WERE RLLY SORRY U’D HAVE BOUGHT MORE

 

Yusuke: i can go with you ann

 

Ann: SWEET

 

Makoto: did you mention food KNOWING yusuke would say yes

 

Ann:

 

Yusuke: :)

 

Ann: Your usual spot?

 

Yusuke: I’ll be here.

 

Akira: haru have you been thinking about working out with us?

 

Ann: you…are you talking to our haru?

 

Haru: I have! And I’d like to, but not today!

 

Ryuji: Oh yeah ofc not, but we’ll let you know next time!

 

Ryuji: We invited ann once but she just wasn’t swole enough u know?

 

Makoto: Haru you shouldn't say yes if you don't want to

 

Ann: YEAH they really will leave you behind in the dirt

 

Ann: LIKE A BUNCH OF A S S H O L E S

 

Ryuji: Wtf are u guys talking about Haru like fully bodied me the other day in MEMEntos

 

Makoto: I’m sorry

 

Haru: Ryuji no I didn’t!!!!

 

Makoto: what

 

Ryuji: YOU FULLY PICKED ME UP AND CARRIED ME LIKE 10 FEET

 

Ryuji: DID NOBODY ELSE SEE THAT???

 

Akira: No, it was a mass hallucination

 

Ryuji: h e l l o?????

 

Akira: the red pill or the blue pill?

 

Ryuji: w ha t

 

Ann: okay BAD AKIRA cause I actually did see that and a part of me still wants to believe it was a group hallucination

 

Ann:  but then another part of me remembers “she carries 30 KG like it’s nothi n g….”

 

Akira: Ryuji and Yusuke were supposed to help me carry coffee bags into leblanc the one time and haru did it while we were waiting for them to show up.

 

Haru: Oh, was that the day we were trying out all those different blends?

 

Akira: o h y e a h ba b y

 

Haru: We should do that again soon!

 

Akira: yeah but I gotta wait for my 70 200 yen paychecks to come in

 

Akira: I don’t even have enough money for chicken nugget rn.

 

Makoto: YOU LITERALLY JUST SAID YOU WERE BUYING FUTABA A SWITCH?

 

Akira: I DIDN’T SAY I’D DO IT RIGHT NOW.

 

Akira: GOD MOM

 

Ryuji: this just in, haru okumura and akira Kurusu are FUCKING LOSERS

 

Haru: ….

 

Haru: ( ` ω ´ )

 

Akira: oh bitch u did it now

 

Akira: Btw put your phone down and finish changing

 

Akira: I’m just sitting on a school bench looking shady as hell and someone DEAD ass just asked me if they could buy weed

 

Akira: I don’t even know what a weed looks like

 

Akira: i'm the guy people sell oregano to

 

Ann: tfw ur a delinquent but not rlly

 

Akira: FR

 

Akira: Y’all need to know that at my old school asking me for drugs would be like asking makoto to make out with you under the bleachers

 

Ryuji: oh shit so you’ve ALWAYS been this big of a loser???

 

Haru: oop!

 

Makoto: ……I can make out with someone under the bleachers

 

Makoto: if I wanted to.

 

Akira: SAKAMOTO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CHANGE INTO YOUR GYM CLOTHES

 

Makoto: I just don't want to.

 

Ryuji: I CANT FIND THEM

 

Akira: ……..WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T FIND THEM

 

Ryuji: I SAID I CAN’T FIND THEM

 

Akira: DID YOU CHECK YOUR LOCKER????

 

Ryuji: UM DUH????

 

Akira: Jesus CHRIST

 

Akira: did you check my locker????

 

Ryuji: NO???? WHY TF WOULD MY CLOTHING BE IN UR LOCKER???

 

Akira: BC UR A DISASTER MAN RYUJI AND I WOULDN’T PUT IT PAST YOU

 

Ryuji: FINE

 

Ann: Y’all ever wonder how yusuke doesn’t get any paint on his clothes

 

Yusuke: yes

 

Akira: he paints naked

 

Akira: that’s what he meant when he said nude painting ann

 

Futaba: h

 

Ryuji: mood tbh

 

Futaba: j

 

Futaba: j

 

Futaba: j

 

Ann: Tubs??????

* * *

 

 **Today** 3:53 PM

Futaba: h

 

Futaba: h

 

Haru: Futaba?

 

Goro: …..Is this some kind of meme I haven’t seen yet?

 

Makoto: No, I don’t think it is….

 

Futaba: g

 

Ryuji: Yo Tubs you good??????

 

Futaba: g

 

Futaba: h

 

Futaba: j

 

Makoto: Butt dialing maybe?

 

Goro: Doesn’t she have a smartphone?

 

Ann: who tf still buttdials mom

 

Futaba: h

 

Makoto: idk what else could it be????

 

Yusuke: a glitch perhaps?

 

Futaba: h

 

Akira: FUCK I put my phone down for five seconds

 

Akira: She’s having a panic attack she prbly shut down on her way to school

 

Akira: She’s trying to type “help”

 

Makoto: oh my god….

 

Akira: but her hands are prbly shaking too much

 

Akira: FUTABA stay calm

 

Akira: Message received I’m omw

 

Haru: Has this happened before

 

Akira: yeah but usually she just texts me

                                                                                              

Akira: Ryuji I’m leaving rn with or without you

 

Ryuji: okay I just finished don’t worry

 

Yusuke: omw

 

Haru: Are you guys still outside Shujin? I’m coming with

 

Akira: Hurry

 

Ann: FUCK I can’t go cause of my shoot

 

Akira: It’s okay too many people might overwhelm her anyway

 

Haru: it’s all my fault…..I’m the one who invited her out…

 

Haru: Futaba if you’re reading this I’m so sorry!!

 

Akira: Yusuke stay with Ann. Haru, Ryuji and I are looking at Aoyama, can you and ann look around central street before her shoot??

 

Yusuke: alright I'll go back to ann then

 

Ann: I'll be where we split up Yusuke!

 

Makoto: Does she have her location on? Does anybody know where she was last spotted?

 

Akira: No, she thinks location tracking is a ploy by the government to know where we are at all times

 

Goro: I’m sorry, but what’s happening exactly?

 

Ann: Futaba’s having some kind of panic attack in public. She was going to visit Haru today at school but she must have gotten scared at one of the subway stops

 

Goro: So she’s somewhere in between the yongen stop and the aoyoma stop?

 

Goro: Are you sure she’s in the subway system?

 

Akira: No, I have no idea.

 

Goro: Futaba we’re trying to help you

 

Goro: Take a deep breath and pay attention. Type a "y" if you’re seeing this

 

Akira: don’t worry tubs we’re going to find you soon

 

Akira: Any updates from central?

 

Yusuke: nothing yet

 

Futaba: y

 

Goro: Fantastic

 

Goro: Are you underground?

 

Futaba: y

 

Ann: We still haven’t seen her

 

Akira: Nothing from Aoyama either

 

Goro: Do we know if she’s at yogen?

 

Akira: She could be but idk

 

Akira: Wait, haru just reminded me

 

Akira: Futaba texted earlier saying she was AT yogen and she seemed fine

 

Yusuke: but something could have scared her soon after that message.

 

Akira: Fuck you’re right

 

Akira: I’m texting sojiro

 

Goro: No wait

 

Goro: Futaba, you got off at the wrong stop, didn’t you?

 

Akira: omg

 

Yusuke: futaba, it’s okay we won’t be upset we just want to find you

 

Akira: ^^^!!!!!!

 

Futaba: yeah

 

Akira: FUCK okay she can be anywhere rn

 

Goro: Did you get off too early or too late?

 

Futaba: late

 

Futaba: missed it

 

Goro: omw

 

Akira: What’s the stop after Aoyama?

 

Akira: I still get lost on these fucking subways

 

Ann: Zasaka

 

Ann: where the TV station is

 

Goro: About to go underground

 

Akira: Goro you’ve got her?

 

Goro: Yes, I think I see her

 

Akira: Take her home, we’ll meet you there

* * *

 

 

Yusuke: Is this really wise?

 

Akira: …..What do you mean?

 

Yusuke: You know what he did to her.

 

Akira: He’s going to get to her first anyway so what are we going to do Yusuke?

 

Yusuke: We could stop him

 

Akira: Why??? What're we going to tell him???

 

Akira: “Oh sorry Akechi. We’ve known about your ploy to murder our leader this entire time so we actually would prefer if you just stayed away from all of us in this sensitive time even though WE'RE the ones who have been making an effort to reach out to you.”

 

Yusuke: I’m just saying this so that we’re all aware she may not react very kindly to his presence.

 

Makoto: She could say something and ruin the whole plan…

 

Ann: She won’t! She came up with most of the plan in the first place

 

Makoto: but she’s not in her right mind right now…

 

Akira: She seemed to be coming back to herself towards the end there it’ll be fine.

 

Akira: And just a REMINDER that Futaba’s going to see all of you doubting her later.

 

Yusuke: Very well.

 

Akira: You don’t NEED to protect her yusuke. She’s more than capable of it herself.

 

Akira: We’re on our way btw

 

Yusuke: I’m sorry.

 

Yusuke: I’m just worried.

 

Akira: I’m sorry too

 

Akira: I know you're just worried about her and I lashed out and that was sucky of me.

 

Yusuke: we’re all worried it’s fine.

 

Yusuke: my apologies to future futaba

* * *

 **  
Today** 4:44 PM 

Akira: Goro, where are you guys? Just got to leblanc

 

Goro: We’re in sakura’s house and we’re hanging out in her room right now.

 

Akira: let her know the 3 of us on our way up.

 

Goro: she said she’s excited to see you guys~

* * *

  

 **Today** 8:43 PM 

Futaba: hey guys….

 

Yusuke: hello!

 

Ann: TUBS how are you????

 

Futaba: terrible

 

Futaba: every time you call me tubs, another ulcer forms takamaki

 

Ann: I’m SORRY

 

Futaba: no but fr I’m okay

 

Futaba: thanks for worrying about me

 

Futaba: future futaba accepts ur apology past yusuke

 

Yusuke: current yusuke is very grateful and would like to make plans with you as soon as he can

 

Futaba: if ur free tomorrow we can watch featherman at my place!!

 

Yusuke: I’d like that very much

 

Makoto: Love you futaba

 

Makoto: We’re sorry this happened

 

Haru: I know it wasn’t the way we planned but… I’m still very glad I got to see you today ‘taba

 

Haru: NOPE it doesn’t feel right, I’ll stick to Tubs for now

 

Futaba: >:p

 

Haru: <3

 

Ann: love u futaba!!!

 

Yusuke: I as well

 

Futaba: youuuuuuuuuuu as welllllll wh a t???

 

Yusuke: (I love you too)

 

Futaba: HAHA WE GOT YUSUKE TO CONFESS TO AN EMOTION

 

Futaba: but rlly

 

Futaba:  I love u guys too

 

Futaba: I felt rlly bad today but not as bad as usual cause like

 

Futaba: I knew you guys would be there for me eventually

 

Akira: And we always will be ❤️

 

Futaba: thanks you guys

 

Makoto: Now go to sleep early, I’m sure it’s been rough

 

Futaba: I’m sorry but I’m literally physically incapable of doing that

 

Akira: if you take Nyquil you can knock yourself in an hour

 

Yusuke: advil PM works better

 

Futaba: if I take both will I fall asleep for twice as long?

 

Akira: well you’ll definably be asleep for a while….

 

Makoto: AKIRA

 

Futaba: chug chug

 

Futaba: the forbidden nap nectar …….

* * *

 

 **Today** 10:23 PM

 

Futaba: hey

 

Akira: well hey there stranger

 

Akira: I thought u were gonna go to bed early

 

Futaba: can’t sleep and sojiro caught me trying to drink the Nyquil so we had a talk about “unsafe drug practices”

 

Akira: the safest drug practices are NO drug practices

 

Akira: don’t even LOOK at a meth

 

Futaba: WHO ARE YOU TO TALK??

 

Akira: what do u even MEAN????

 

Akira: I’m so BORING

 

Futaba: okay yeah like you don’t take random pills from the big tiddy goth doctor from down the lane

 

Akira: THAT’S DIFFERENT

 

Futaba: okay YEAH sure.

 

Futaba: but fr tho, can we talk?

 

Akira: I’m all ears

 

Futaba: It’s about goro

 

Futaba: something…kind of happened today?

 

Akira: Futaba why didn’t you tell me?

 

Akira: I know where he lives we can egg his apartment

 

Akira: like fuck the plan

 

Futaba: no NOT fuck the plan, the plan’s keeping you alive.

 

Futaba: and besides, that’s just it

 

Futaba: I was completely fine hanging out with him.

 

Futaba: he came to pick me up and I was _relieved_

Futaba: the entire reason I switched chats was because I knew he’d probably be at the station and I just needed SOMEBODY to help me

Futaba: but still I thought yusuke was going to be right

 

Futaba: I thought Akechi was going to walk up to me and I was going to punch him in the face and yell at him right there in the middle of the station

 

Futaba: but I didn’t

 

Futaba: he walked up to me and all I could think was _oh thank GOD_ and then I just walked away with him

 

Futaba: and now I’m looking back and I’m thinking about it and I’m wondering why the fuck I did that

 

Futaba: he killed my mom.

 

Akira: futaba……

 

Futaba: he killed my mom and I’m just…calling him by his first name and borrowing his shit and playing video games with him???

  
  
Futaba: what kind of fucking daughter am i????

 

Akira: a human one.

 

Akira: we’ve got so many different sides to ourselves. I think a part of you is going to hate him forever but that doesn’t mean the rest of you can’t try and forgive him

 

Futaba: sometimes i don't think i can forgive him 

 

Futaba: and sometimes I manage to forget what he’s done entirely but I don’t WANT to forget what he's done because then it feels like I’m forgetting her too

 

Akira: honoring the memory of ur mother and working towards forgiving the boy who killed her are two different things

 

Akira: if you do manage to forgive him it’s for your sake, not his.

 

Futaba: u wanna know something else?

 

Akira: yeah?

 

Futaba: I told him

 

Futaba: About how my mom died

 

Futaba: how she _really_ died

 

Akira: oh…

 

Futaba: i just

 

Futaba: i was sitting next to him on the train and I was playing Mario odyssey on his switch with his coat around my shoulders and everything. And I was sitting there trying to c a l m d o w n and he just up and asks me if my social anxiety was because of my mom’s death

 

Akira: jesus fucking christ

 

Futaba: and I just…

 

Akira: for a “detective”, he has SUCH a SURPRISING lack of tact… fucking hell.

 

Futaba: I told him everything.

 

Futaba: I told him everything we learned in my palace. About how I was set up to take the blame for my mom’s “suicide” and how someone in the metaverse had killed her.

 

Futaba: and I thought he was going to give me one of his lil generic good guy speeches and that was gonna be it but then he didn’t

 

Futaba: I was telling him all of this and I just felt him just like _freeze up_ next to me

 

Futaba: and then he apologized.

 

Futaba: he said he was sorry for my loss. 

 

Futaba: and somehow, I managed to look at him and for the first time ever I felt like he was _looking_ _back at me_ you know?

 

Futaba: half of me wanted to shove his stupid ass out of the train but the other half of me felt such …release?

 

Futaba: it just... it felt so genuine that now a part of me can't help but believe that he's sorry

 

Futaba: but what I can’t understand is that how can he feel bad when he’s the one who did it in the first place?

 

Futaba: if he didn’t even want to do it than why did it have to happen?

 

Akira: I think I know why

 

Akira: not why it happened but why he feels so bad about it

 

Akira: don’t tell any of the others about what I’m about to tell you okay

 

Futaba: okay

 

Akira: you remember how goro told us his mom died?

 

Futaba: yeah

 

Akira: he came over to watch some movies the other night and it got late and we started talking about our lives and shit and he told me that his mom killed herself. when he was a little boy

 

Akira: and because he was a bastard, his relatives all thought she killed herself because she was so ashamed of him. They thought it was his fault.

 

Akira: that’s why he grew up in foster care

 

Futaba: oh

 

Futaba: so he knows what it’s like

 

Akira: I think he might

 

Futaba: then why the hell did he do it?????

 

Akira: That’s the thing. I don’t think he did

 

Futaba: excuse me????

 

Akira: No no he probably did IT but I mean everything around it. The men in black suits, the forgery…..

 

Akira: i haven’t talked to anyone else about it but i think akechi’s just shido’s gun.

 

Akira: there’s something else going on and we’re not privy to it

 

Akira: does that theory line up with what you’ve been collecting?

 

Futaba: it could….

  

Futaba: akechi only gets the names of his targets. No other information.

 

Futaba: and he only calls to give shido updates on targets. The information is almost all one-sided from Goro's part. 

 

Akira: That’s what I thought

 

Akira: Unless they’re communicating in person it seems Akechi only knows the absolute basics

 

Akira: but if akechi’s actually heavily involved in shido's ploy wouldn’t he be attending meetings? Wouldn’t he know who these people are?

 

Futaba: maybe he just doesn’t care

 

Akira: I don’t know…

 

Futaba: akechi’s been calling shido less and less

 

Futaba: and shido keeps texting him too. asking for updates.

 

Akira: oh fuck….

 

Futaba: and I thought “oh that makes sense, we’re keeping him busy”

 

Futaba: but after you guys all left I was checking his internet search history

 

Futaba: (which was not as interesting as I hoped it’d be)

 

Futaba: and his most recent search was “how to help your friend through an anxiety attack”

 

Futaba: ….we’re all his friends, aren’t we?

 

Futaba: at least he sees us as his friends?

 

Akira: I think in some…weird tragic way but yeah. We are his friends

 

Akira: I don’t think we can deny it at this point

 

Futaba: …..

 

Futaba: do you think my mom hates me?

 

Akira: no

 

Akira: futaba never think that again, it's not fair to you

 

Futaba: I’m fucking friends with her murderer I just…..

 

Akira: Her murderer is 17 years old.

 

Akira: He was 15 when he killed her.

 

Futaba: ……

 

Akira: I think she’d be proud of the fact that you’re capable of showing some compassion to someone who seems like he desperately needs it. Even though he might not necessarily deserve it. 

 

Futaba: compassion can’t save everyone akira. sometimes it’s just too late.

 

Akira: that’s what you thought before we helped you steal your heart

 

Akira: It doesn’t matter where you start over remember?

 

Futaba: yea….

 

Akira: I don’t want to regret a moment of my time with him. If I die staring down the barrel of a gun I want to know I did everything I could to help him

 

Futaba: DON’T

 

Futaba: don’t you ever fucking say that again. you can’t die akira.

 

Futaba: akira?????

 

Futaba: Akira you’re NOT going to die for him

 

Akira: …i’m sorry you’re right I shouldn’t have said that

 

Akira: I couldn’t do that to you guys

 

Futaba: I love you bro

 

Akira: I love you too futaba

 

Akira: I’m too tired to think about morality rn so I’ll see you tomorrow alright? Promise me you’ll try to go to sleep?

 

Futaba: I promise

 

Akira: good night kid

 

Futaba: gn you scrub <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a friendly reminder that this chapter started with sonic jokes HAHA
> 
> We're getting into the meat of it now but trust me this will definably STILL remain a comedy. I just think some of the material we're dealing with has a certain...emotional intensity I can't bring myself to ignore. Think of the serious bits as character development that allows me to reach the next joke and not feel bad about it (or if you like the more serious aspects let me know and I'll weave in a few more??)
> 
> Anyway, I just got back home from my vacation and next update will FINALLY have all the drawings. I just wanted to upload this as soon as I got home since it's been so long since my last update ),: 
> 
> FINALLY: My wonderful best friend Chummy edited the futaba hamster pics SO THANK YOU. we spend 50% of our time together talking akechi headcanons and she very recently wrote an AMAZING one-shot titled "If Only" so go check her out!

**Author's Note:**

> I don' regret this.
> 
> But I wish I did. 
> 
> I've already written a few chapters so comment if you're interested and I'll keep writing.


End file.
